Smunoz24. Second Chances

Second Chances

Chapter One

I feel like I have been walking for hours when I finally find her.She is walking silently in the dark night through the cemetery.I stand back a few feet to watch her from a distance, not wanting to tip her off just yet that I am out there to keep an eye on her.Her golden blonde hair is blowing slightly in the breeze of the night and she looks just like the Buffy I have always known.But I know better right now.I know that this is not the same old B, something is different.

Then again, I am pretty different now a days too.Last time I was here in SunnyD, I was hell bent on destroyin' the lives of the people that I now consider my family.It took me a good few months in prison before I was able to really admit all the mistakes I had made.Before I was able to admit to myself what made me do all of those awful things in the first place.I think in a way I always knew... since that moment I first saw her all those years ago in that alley... and maybe even before that, that I was in love with her.Everything I did, both good and evil was all for her.So here I am, back in SunnyD just under two years after I was pretty much thrown out by the woman I was head over heels in love with.It took one moment to change the course of the rest of my life.One visit in prison, and two words.Buffy's dead.

G came to deliver the news to me.I had been in prison for a little over a year when he came.I had never expected to see him again, but I had thought a lot about what I would say to all of them, including B if I ever did get the chance.But I never got the chance to say them to her.When he told me that B had jumped to her own death to save her sister... to save the world... I could almost feel my heart breaking on the inside.There was nothing but emptiness and pain.Despite having not seen or heard from her the entire time I was gone, she was what had kept me going while I was there.She was my strength and the reason I had made it through each day. And then she was gone.I had always known she was a hero and the best slayer to ever live. But I never had imagined that she would ever be gone from this world. G wasted no time in getting to work and got me out of there, with a clean slate and record.Don't ask me how he did it, probably Red with all her magical abilities that I never really knew she had.Before you know it, I was back in the one town that I had only dreamt of returning to and the one person I wanted to see was buried in the ground.Sure, I was hesitant about coming back... I did try to kill all of the Scoobies at one point.Most of them were grateful I was there, protecting them from the things that go bump in the night.Bottom line is they knew that they needed a slayer in their town, and I was the only one left.D took a little time getting used to having me around again, but once she did, she was like attached at my hip.Every day she was just a constant reminder of the girl I loved and had lost.She looked more like B than I wanted her to and she acted the way I always remembered B to act.I guess I took comfort in having her around me, even if it did hurt my heart a little.I had promised myself before I left prison that if I ever got out of that place, I would do anything to prove to B how much I loved her.I would apologize the right way and I would do whatever it took to earn her trust.Now that she was gone, I figured the best thing I could do was take care of her sister... the way that B would have wanted.

So yeah, things became routine.I lived in the Summers house with Red and T and little D.I learned pretty quick that just because it was the four of us living at the house didn't mean that everyone else wasn't always there too.Long into the night G would stay and so would XMan and Anya.Sometimes they would crash on the couch but if they did go home, they were back at the house just as the sun came up every morning.I felt comfortable with them and they became my family, much like I had always wanted them to back in the day.I had been there for just about three months when G decided it was his time to leave.He explained it to me that he knew I was capable of taking care of them now and he went back to his homeland in England after a tearful goodbye.It was the first time I had cried in front of the Scoobs. I don't know what got into me, but seeing him leave made it feel so final with Buffy being gone and everything. The Scoobies didn't say a word about my tears. If they were surprised by it, they didn't show it, and they were nothing but supportive of how I felt about him leaving, mostly because they all felt the same way.

Now I have seen and done a lot of things in my short life, being a slayer and all.But I always thought that you got one life changing moment that would define you.All that flew out the window just 147 days after B had died.I know because I had counted.Every day was harder and harder.I thought that it would get easier day after day, but it didn't.My heart only hurt more.I hadn't told anyone how I felt about B and holding it all in was killing me. So you can imagine my surprise and complete shock when I first saw B standing there in front of me on that tower she had jumped to her death from.At first I didn't believe it was her.I was sure that this was just a cruel joke that my mind was playing on me or that damn BuffyBot trying to destroy me.But it was no joke.B was alive and she was standing there in front of me.It took some coaxing to get her down off that tower and home again... and I have no idea how I did it, but once I did, I found out just how it was even possible that she was there.It was Red.It wasn't but a few weeks after I had gotten back that I realized just how powerful she really had become. Her and the rest of them came running in just after I got B cleaned up and explained that Red had performed a spell to pull B out the hell dimension she had been trapped in.Now, if I were less muscle more research, I would have understood a little more about what she said, but since I really am nothing more than the fighter of the family, I only caught about half of what she told me.Point is, B's back and so is that complete overpowering need to love her. Dawn had about flipped when she saw her.She didn't really believe it was Buffy and the way Buffy acted didn't help matters.Dawn was relieved to see her sister alive again, but she still stuck close by me. And we had placed a call to G, explaining what the gang had accomplished, and after the hundreds of `Dear Lords' he mumbled, he informed us he would make a return to Sunnydale as soon as possible.No one was sure quite when that would be, but to be honest, I really wished it would be sooner rather than later.I felt in over my head at this point and my feelings for the Chosen One were getting harder and harder to handle.

It's been two days since she's been back.She's been acting totally weird since then but I know she's still just as strong as she used to be because we had to deal with a demon that the gang created when they pulled her out the hell dimension.We managed to defeat it, me and B, together.It was like old times... except not at all... less trying to kill her on my part and less punching me in the face on hers.I felt like she was the same slayer, but a different girl.I am still over the moon in love with her, but something is completely off about her.I know that she is still trying to adjust to being alive again, but I guess I just expected her to be the strong Buffy that I knew before.

So like I said, I am standing at the gate to the cemetery, and I am watching her as she is walking through it in the dark silent night.I don't want her to know that I'm keeping tabs on her, but I was concerned when she decided she should go off and patrol on her own.I figured it would be safer for me to follow her and let her know I was there eventually, than let her out on her own just two days after she came back from the grave.I stay still as I see her perch on a headstone in the middle of the cemetery and drop her head down.Felt like the right time to let her know I was there.As I approached her, she looked deep in thought.What I would give to know what she was thinking.

"Hey there B...patrolling a little?"I casually walked up and stood in front of her.Buffy's eyes never left the ground beneath her and she didn't even flinch when I spoke, almost like she knew I was there all along.I crouched down so I could look up at her face."B?You okay?"

"I'm so sick of people asking me if I am okay," Buffy said with barely any emotion in her voice.She didn't sound angry or irritated or even sad.There was nothing but words...empty words.

"Sorry B, but that's all everyone wants...for you tell them that you are gonna be okay, even if you aren't right now."It was the truth.I have been a part of the gang now for four months and I know them better than I ever thought I could.All they ever wanted was the best for B.A part of me was worried that now that B was back, that I would be pushed out again, left behind and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to deal with that again.But so far, it had only been two days I know, but they were still looking to me and treating me like I was a part of the family.

"What if I'm not going to be okay Faith?"Buffy looked up at me when she asked the question and it jumped me from my inner monologue.I was a little bit in shock at the way she had responded to me.She hadn't been much for sharing her feelings since she had been back or saying much at all for that matter, and I was the last person I expected her to share with.We aren't really friends at this point.But we aren't really enemies either I don't think.

"Look B...I'm not gonna pretend I know what it's like to be trapped in a hell dimension...but I do know a thing or two about pain and torment," I said it with confidence.After all, I knew more about pain than I had ever admitted to anyone.I had spent years before being called as a slayer being beaten and abused by mom and the countless men that tried to be a father figure to me.I had fought the darkness inside of myself and found my own redemption for the awful things I had done to Buffy and the gang in the past.I had managed to apologize to all of them, and had that apology accepted.Well, all of them except B.I didn't think now was the time to bring that up just now.But the worst pain I had always carried was the pain of being in love with her.It was the pain that haunted my dreams...the pain that made my stomach turn...the pain that made me cry out in the middle of the night. I knew that the way I felt about B would never be reciprocated.It took me a long time to admit that I was in love with her and even longer to admit that the reason I had done those awful things was because Buffy did not love me the way I loved her, if she even loved me at all.

"I wasn't in pain there..." Buffy said quietly.The words brought me back to reality.If I didn't have slayer hearing the words would have been lost in the wind and never noticed.But I did, and my eyes immediately were fixed on hers once again.

"What do you mean you weren't in pain B?Cuz from what I understand about hell...it's full of pain."Silence filled the cemetery once more.I had the strongest urge to wrap Buffy into a hug.But I didn't move.I found myself holding my breath even as she spoke.I was internally hoping...praying even... that B would let me in.

"Wherever I was...there was no pain...it was perfect...never too hot...never too cold...time meant nothing there.I was free.I didn't have to fight or worry... I knew that everyone I loved was okay...that they were safe and I for the first time...in a long time...felt safe too.I knew that I had done my job...that I had done what I had to do and done it well...I don't know anything about religion or anything like that... but I know that I was happy where I was...I think...I think I was in Heaven."As she said the last word, I half expected for tears to come out of her eyes, but they never came.Instead, there was still a blank expression.No emotion at all.I couldn't move.I found myself unable to form words or even a thought as I did the best I could to process and take in all that Buffy had just admitted.I think I was still in shock when B stood and walked toward the exit, stopping just in front of the gate. "Promise me you won't say a word Faith.I don't want them to know."I took that breath of air I so desperately needed at that moment.

"I won't say anything B."With that, she walked out of the cemetery and out of my view.I stood still, feeling like all the air had been sucked from the world around me.She had been happy.I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me when she revealed that to me.To know that she had been happier dead didn't make me feel very good you know? It made realize just how hard B's life really had been when she was alive. I had lived it now for four months and I was finally able to understand. It was lonely. Despite all the people surrounding you... you still feel alone. It hurt me to know how different things could have been if I hadn't done all those awful things to her. But I had told myself before that if I had the chance to fix things between her and I, I would do whatever it took to get that done.This was my chance.

Chapter Two

It's pretty late when I stroll up to the house on Revello Drive, or it's really early, depending on how you look at it. Either way, I just got done with a basic patrol that had little action but still kept me out most of the night. I spent most of that time going over the words B said to me two nights ago in my mind. It was taking all the self control I had not to run at Red and yell at her for what she had done... what she didn't know she had done. But I promised I wouldn't say anything and if I understand this whole gaining trust thing, it usually means you keep your promises.

I open the door and shut it with my foot as I make my entrance. I hang my coat on the rack like everyone else does in this place and glance to the left and see the whole gang. For a brief second I realize how weird it is that I am not surprised they are all awake at this hour. It makes me smile to see them all together again like this with B there. Despite knowing how happy she was, it is hard for me not to be thankful she is back here with all of us.

"Hey Faith, you are just in time for our meeting," Xander says as I take a seat on the couch between Red and him. Only the Scoobies would have a meeting at five in the morning.

"Oh yeah, what's this little meeting all about? New big bad come to town?" Most of the group chuckles, except for B. She's been back 4 days now and she has barely said anything to anyone... with exception of that night in the cemetery to me. Most of the group is trying to keep it together, and they keep telling themselves that this is just her adjusting. Only I know the truth and man, it sucks being the only one with the information.

"Seems we need to discuss the living situation... with Buffy back... there isn't a lot of room to spare," Red starts to explain. I can't help myself, but I glare at her. I knew this was coming and I feel the anger start to build inside of me.

"Relax Faith, we aren't kicking you out," T explains to me before I really lose my cool. The tension in my face releases a little and Red continues.

"No no! We would never ask you to leave Faith. You are a part of the family now! We just need to figure out what we are going to do about the sleeping arrangements."

"I don't really mind the couch. It's better than the cots in prison," I say without thinking about the words. D looks at me with a sad smile. The others seem uncomfortable now. We don't really talk much about the past or what I did, other than when I apologized. Which means we usually don't talk about what it was like in prison either. B is the only one who doesn't make any sort of movement when I say the words. "Really you guys, it's no big deal. B is back and that is her room, so I will stay on the couch."

"You can share with me if you want," D offers and T looks over at me with a huge smile. While I love D like a little sister, I do need my space. I spent enough time sharing a room with another chick.

"Thanks for the offer Dawnie, but I think the couch is better for me. Coming in late and all, I don't want to keep you up," I say thinking it is a pretty good cover.

"Yeah, that and she can't bring home random people to sleep with either if she bunks with you," B says. Everyone just stares at her. First of all, that was a pretty bitchy comment, and second of all, that is the most she's said since she's been back and the first time she's even acted like the B I used to know.

"Jealous B?" I can't help it. Fighting with her is like a drug. No matter how long I've been sober, once I get just a little taste, I need more. Also, a part of me is taking this as a sign that maybe she is starting to adjust a little bit more... get back to her old self.

"Okay, let's stop now," Red says standing from her seat. Guess Red doesn't want me and B to be the way we used to be. "It's settled then. Faith you will stay on the couch and Buffy you are back in your room," she says. It doesn't even phase anyone that she is taking charge over B in B's own house. I guess she has been the one handling everything when B was gone so it's only right to assume she wouldn't give that role up too easily. Everyone nods their heads in agreement and as they start to get up and make their way to the kitchen for breakfast, the front door flies open.

"Giles? It's Giles!" D screams as she jumps up off the ground and is tackling him with a hug in a matter of seconds. He doesn't even have time to put his bag down before the rest of the group is on top of him too. He is hugging all of them now... all of them fighting back tears... and as they back away, B stands from the chair she was sitting in. G sets his bag down and inches closer to her... moving so slowly like he was afraid she would run.

"Dear Lord... Buffy... you're... you're alive," he says it as though he didn't really believe it when we called to tell him the news. If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have believed it either. He holds his arms out as he gets closer to her and she moves toward him. They embrace in a huge hug and G starts sniffling and his eyes start to water. "Oh how I've missed you," he says. Like she was away at camp or something, but his emotion tells just how much he truly loves her. This is his daughter... blood kin be damned. Now I am expectin' her to start crying or something, you know... show that she has some hint of emotion left in her. But nothing happens. She stares at him with that same face she's had since she's been back and nods at him.

"I'm here," she says quietly. It is her way of not lying to him. She didn't miss this place... she was happy where she was, and this place is like hell on earth for her.

Several hours pass and B starts to act a little more normal the longer G is here. She even discussed with the group what she was going to do now that she was back... with her life that is, over breakfast. But despite the progress she made, she quickly goes up to her room as soon as the food is gone and quietly closes the door. D had to go to school and Xander and Anya left to go to work... Xander at the construction site and Anya at the Magic Box. That left just me, G and the witches in the kitchen. Tara was hard at work cleaning up the plates and cups and I was doing my best to help her... the cook shouldn't clean after all... while G drilled Red on what she had done to bring Buffy back.

"I cannot believe you would do something so stupid," he says, almost under his breath. Both T and I stop and look at him because we know that this is going to end in a fight.

"Stupid? Giles I did what I had to do to save Buffy! I did what no one else could do. I brought her back," she says with conviction.

"We still don't know where she was," Giles responds, taking the glasses off his face and starting to clean them like he only does when he's really annoyed or really frustrated.

"But we know where she is now. She's here and she's safe."

"She doesn't seem to be herself," G warns Red.

"She's adjusting... you remember what it was like when Angel came back... it takes time... we have no idea how long she was in that hell dimension, or what she went through. It could have been years and years of torture and pain," Red says and her voice cracks at the last bit. In that moment the anger I have for her diminishes a little bit. She really felt she was doing the best thing by bringing Buffy back. Never did it cross her mind that B was in a safe place. In Heaven.

"You should have told me," G starts but he is interrupted.

"You wouldn't have listened," Red retorts.

"You're right! I wouldn't have! What you did was against all the rules of magic and you abused it! You should know better and I thought you did! I thought I could trust you!" G raising his voice doesn't make me very happy. I don't think I have ever heard him shout like that. He has his glasses back on his face and is shouting the words which are echoing off the kitchen walls. Red is up out of the stool she was perched on and almost in his face. I put the plate down that I have been drying and move over toward G while Tara simultaneously moves toward her revved up girl.

"Don't tell me seeing her alive wasn't the happiest moment of your life! I did that Giles! I did it! And you are just upset because it wasn't you that figured it out! It was me!" With that last sentence she is running up the stairs and T is following close behind her. I hear the bedroom door they share slam from above me and turn to G who is now sitting on the same stool Red had been on.

"I'm sorry," he says calmly to me.

"Don't be, I get it G," I say leaning over the counter. I understand more than he knows.

"How are things getting along here? Now that Buffy has returned? Are the two of you getting along alright?" I don't know how to answer the question, so I side step it like I am so good at doing.

"We're five by five here G. How was England?"

"Good. It's a story for another time... There are other pressing matters I want to speak to you about. I assumed that with the abundance of people living or staying in this house that there wouldn't be much room for me and I booked myself a hotel. I have taken the liberty of arranging for an apartment for you as well. It is fully furnished and paid for a year," he explains to me.

"You didn't have to do that G, the couch is fine with me. We all just finished discussing it before you got here." Truth? I wasn't sure I wanted to move out. I didn't really want to sleep on the couch like a visitor, but if that was the only choice I had, it was better than not having them around anymore. I had just started to feel like a part of the family.

"Yes Faith, but you deserve better than the couch the rest of your life... and with Buffy alive... well... there are only so many rooms in the house... so please... take the apartment. I will take you later in the day if that is alright with you?" I know better than to disagree with him, especially after that huge fight he had with Red, so I just nod to agree with him. Having my own place will be nice I guess. I haven't had a lot of time to myself since I've been out. It will give me time to think about exactly what I need to do to help B.

That evening I am heading down the stairs with a small box that holds all my worldly possessions. I don't have much, but I have acquired a few things since I've been here. The whole gang is standing inside the front door and B is sitting on the steps looking out it. D is leaning up against the pillar on the porch and G is waiting for me in the car to take me to my new place. I pass B on the stairs and Red and T both hug me. I shake hands with Xander and Anya. There is a lot of sniffling going around from the witches and Xander looks like I just stole his G.I. Joe.

"You guys, it's just down the street. Besides, I am still going to be here every day like all of you losers," I say with a playfulness in my voice, directing the statement toward Xander and Anya in particular. They group laughs, except for B who is just staring at me, but trying to not show that she is. "See ya B," I say. She just nods her head at me and continues with her staring. I walk out the door and set the box I am holding down, approaching D. She looks upset and just as I get to her she turns and goes running past her sister and up the stairs. Her door slams with a huge bang and I can't help but laugh a little. "That's the same thing she did when I first got here," I remember out loud.

"Yeah, except this time she's angry you're leaving," T says quietly. B glances at T out of the corner of her eye but no one notices... except for me. I wonder what that was about.

"Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow morning for breakfast," I say as I head down the pathway to the car that G is waiting for me in. "Call me if you need anything and tell Dawnie the same for me," I say as I get in and close the door.

"Everything okay?" G asks.

"Just Dawnie was a little upset is all. Don't worry about it. Let's go."

G doesn't come inside with me. I don't have much to carry and he looks exhausted from the day so he just dropped me at the front. The apartment is huge. It's got a big kitchen... only a little smaller than the one at B's house. A good sized living room with a couch and comfortable chair and a nice flat screen T.V. Down the hall is a small bathroom that has the basic essentials and a wicked shower with tons of different shower heads and a bedroom that has a nice dresser and king sized bed. Everything smells new and fresh and I take some time to just wander around the place. I make my way to the kitchen and open the fridge. G even stocked it for me! I take out a can of soda and turn back to the box of my belongings I have set on the counter. I rummage through until I find what it is I'm looking for.

It's a picture. It isn't mine. It is the one thing I took from her room that didn't belong to me, but I had a good reason. When I first got there and that first night I stayed in the house... in B's room, I was overwhelmed by all the pictures she had up all over the place. Most of them were of her and the Scoobies... a couple of her and Joyce and Dawn. One of her and G taken at her prom. There were even a few of her and Angel from back in the day. I was looking at them all, hung on the wall and noticed that there was one picture hung behind one of her and the gang. I pushed the top picture to the side and to my surprise, below it was a picture of me and her. I don't know when it was taken, but neither of us must have known that it was. We aren't lookin' at the camera, but rather looking at each other as we sit in the library of the old high school. We both are smiling and she looks beautiful. Her hair is just a little passed her shoulders, the way I love it most and her eyes are that beautiful green they are when she is at her happiest. I spent a little over four months, the entire time I was in that house, carrying that picture with me. It was a little bit of hope for me. It reminded me of what I was doing there and ever since B had told me where she had been... it had been my inspiration to help her move forward.

So I took the picture. She probably will never even know it's gone. I had thought about why she kept the picture, but had never really been able to form a solid conclusion about it. I stared at the picture a little longer before putting it back in the box and heading toward the bedroom to lay down for a little while before patrol. As I opened the door, I noticed a figure in the room... perched on the window sill with the window open fully.

"B?... What are you doing here?"

Chapter Three

She doesn't move from the window.It is dark in the room and the only light is shining in through the window she had opened.There is a slight breeze and the curtains are blowing a bit at her sides.Her legs are dangling over the edge and aren't quite touching the floor in my room.Her face is calm... no tension whatsoever.Now me... I am a different story.I can immediately feel the beads of sweat forming on my forehead.My throat is dry and I can almost feel my heart beating out of my chest.She looks stunning in this moment.It is taking all my energy not to run over to that window and fuck her like she has never been fucked before.But somehow I keep my feet from moving and find my voice again.

"B?Is something wrong?"

"Everything is wrong F," she says calmly.I slowly inch my way over to the bed and sit down so I can face her not missing the fact that she used just the first letter of my name to address me.A part of me knows exactly what she is talking about and the other part of me is so out of touch with reality because she is actually here.

"Can I help?"I said it with as much sincerity as I could muster without sounding totally cheesy.She stands and makes her way over to the bed too, sitting on the other side about as far away from me as she could."I won't bite cha B," I say with a little chuckle, knowing how ironic it is for me to be saying such a thing to B... with her love for Soul Boy and all.

"Why?"

"Why what?Why won't I bite you?"

"Why do you want to help me?"It's a simple question really and I understand why she is asking it.The last time I saw her before she died didn't end really well for either of us.

"Do I have to have a reason?Can't I just be here wanting to help a friend?"I know it sounds like a stupid question coming from me and directed to her, but it wasn't really a lie.I do want to help her as a friend.A friend that I am totally head over heels in love with... but that is something I can't tell her... not now... maybe never.She doesn't respond to me and I take the pause as a chance to ask her again."Why are you here B?"

"I don't know," she says as she stands and moves back toward the window she came from."It's late, I should be getting back before they notice I'm gone," she finishes.

"You don't have to leave yet... you just got here," I say standing and moving toward her.I reach my hand out to grab her arm, forgetting that she a slayer for just a moment.Before I touch her, she manages to use that speed she has... always has been faster than me... and grab my wrist mid-air. My face tenses and she notices immediately and releases her grip on me just as quickly as she snatched it.

"I'm sorry," she says simply.

"It's fine B... no harm, no foul."We are standing close to each other now, almost to the window.She doesn't move toward it and I don't move either.She has her head hanging down... like she did that night in the cemetery.It brings me to action... I can't bear to see her like this.I make a bold move, at least what is considered bold between her and I, and use my hand to lift her chin so I can see her face.When we lock eyes, I can see something in them... for the first time since she has been back... I can see that there is something inside of her.I don't know what it is... and I bet she doesn't either.She doesn't say anything and I keep my mouth shut too... for a good long while.I just stare at her, her face lit up by the moon and push the sexual urges I am having down.It is getting harder and harder as the seconds tick by and just as I think I'm about to lose it, she says something.

"Thank you."I can tell she means it when she says it, but it still surprises me.

"For what?"

"Coming back... being here... staying here."As soon as the last word is out of her mouth, she turns and is out the window before I can even blink.I watch as she darts across the grass and out of sight.Like I said... she has always been faster than me.

It is a restless night.I can't get my mind off of B.Both in a sexual way... because my libido is way out of control from having her in my room and all and her scent is lingering around my bed where she was sitting... and because I am worried about her. I have thought about putting a call into Soul Boy... he knows she's back... Red called almost immediately after it happened... maybe he would know what to say to her... be able to help her.But I know that if I called he would tell me to handle it now.Despite how much he loves her... he knows that she would get attached to him and it would just be harder for her in the end.Probably for him too.I respect him for understanding that.It isn't easy to walk away from a girl like B... I know... because I've done it.

I'm up pretty early as a result of the events that unfolded that evening and I am at the house just as the sun is starting to rise.I walk in through the back door and the smell of pancakes and bacon fills the room.

"Mmmm... something smells good," I say walking in and shutting the door quietly.

"Good morning Faith," T says and turns her attention back to the stove where she is working on the last of the bacon."How was the apartment?"

"It's cool... where is B?"

"She's still asleep I think... do you want to go wake her and tell her it's almost time for breakfast?"

"Sure... what about the others?"Just as the words leave my mouth, XMan and Anya come walking in the front door, bickering like an old married couple and G is right behind them, clearly annoyed because he is already polishing his glasses.They calm down when they walk into the kitchen and I bump fists with Xander, give the others a small smile and head toward the stairs.As I make my way up them and go to round the corner to B's room, I practically run smack into D and Red, both of them with their noses stuffed in books.

"Whoa!No walking and reading! House rule," I say moving past them. They both give me a smile and don't say anything, heading down the stairs toward the kitchen and the meal that awaits us all.I get to B's door and knock quietly. I can already feel my muscles getting tense at the anticipation of seeing her again.

"Come in," she says.I turn the handle and open the door, entering and closing it behind me."Good morning," she says sleepily as she stretches.Her shirt raises a little when she does it and I have to shake my head from the sexual thoughts once again.

"B... we need to talk," I say before I can stop myself.She sits up in bed and puts her feet on the floor.

"About what?" I don't know what made me think this was a good time to bring this up... I have been thinking about it all night. I guess I just wanted to get it over with.

"Everything... what you told me... what's going on with you... you need to talk about it."

"Who should I talk to Faith?"

"To me... to anyone... I don't care... but I assume you haven't told anyone else what you told me so... I say let's talk about it so we can figure out what we can do to help you."I suck in a breath when I'm finished with the sentence.If I didn't know any better I would say Red had been giving me a good lesson in babble... but that last sentence was nothing compared to what the red-headed witch is capable of. She stands and is directly in front of me now.I kinda felt like last night was a little bit of progress when it came to me and her... and in this instant, I am really kicking myself in the head for not waiting to talk to her because I know it is going to knock us back a few spaces.

"There is nothing to talk about Faith."She makes a move to walk around me and toward her closet but I step in front of her.

"Yes... there is B."

"Move Faith," she says it sternly.Like the night before, I look in her eyes and I see something in them... but it is different from the night before and her tone is different too.She is a different person today than she was last night.I wonder what changed in just a few hours.Guess she's always been either hot or cold with me... black or white... there is no gray when it comes to us.

"No."But I am not letting her get away with this.She needs to talk to me... I need to help her and I don't know how if she won't talk to me.She is driving me to the brink of insanity again and I can't take it anymore!I am so busy thinking about all of this that I don't notice the stance she is standing in.It's one I know well... one I have learned by now to avoid at all costs.I am blindsided by that right hook she loves so much and my head snaps to the side.I look back up at her and her face has anger behind it.She's angry... it's the first emotion I've seen her have since she's been back and I think maybe I can use it to my advantage.

"Geez... still got that right hook don't cha?"

"Don't start with me Faith... just get out of my way."

"Make me."I know I am egging her on but I just can't help myself... like I said... fighting with her is like a drug... I don't need it... but my body is addicted to it.The pain it causes me brings me pleasure in some sick, disgusting way. Plus by this point I have totally convinced myself I am using her anger to help her.

"Move."She says it again with that conviction in her voice and I am pretty sure this is going to end how most of our conversations ended before I went to prison.This is going to be a full blown fight... right here in her bedroom.I stand my ground and I don't move, but I do throw a smirk on my face just for good measure.Before I know it, another right hook hits me square on the lip and blood is trickling down my chin.

"Is this how you want it?"For a brief second I swear I see a glimmer in her eye... something that is telling me to `bring it on' in a sense and it totally turns me on... but the glimmer is gone just as quickly as I thought it was there.I don't hesitate any longer.I swing my legs around and she is down on the floor.Before you know it we are both putting all our strength into it.She is getting in a lot of punches and blows to my face and I am doing my best to block them.I am getting a couple of shots in there but she is basically pummeling me... and I am letting her.I am not afraid to admit that she's the better slayer... always has been.If I get a shot in, I know it's a lucky one, she's that good.I know that my face is covered in blood and she is on top of me, hitting, scratching and screaming... what, I have no idea... as I am on the ground.I hear footsteps pounding on the ground and B's bedroom door goes flying open.Xander is at B in an instant and holding onto her by the waist.She is fighting him a little... but she knows that if she fights too hard... she will hurt him and no matter how pissed she is... she would never hurt the boy.D and T are at my side in a second and Red is standing at the door with G, both of them with their hands covering their mouths.

"What the hell happened?"Xander asks as B calms in his arms.He is still holding tight to her and G heads over to help calm her when he gets that look from XMan.The one that says... fix this.

"Faith... oh my God!Look at your face!" T says as she tries to sit me up with Dawnie's help.I struggle as they pull me upright.

"I'm fine," I say, spitting out a little bit of blood as I say it.I glance over at B who only has one little cut on her lip where I got a good hit in.Dawn and Tara steady me as I stand and Red takes over for Dawn to help me to the bathroom.As we leave the room I have a smile on my face... and I can hear G giving B the third degree about the fight.She may have beaten me to a bloody pulp... but that's how we've always communicated... and any communication is better than the nothing she's been giving us since she's been back.

Chapter Four

"Faith... what happened in there?" Red asks as she finishes up wiping the blood off of my lip in the bathroom and takes a seat on the closed toilet. She is staring at me intently, waiting for an answer from me and T is just standing by the closed door.

"I didn't do anything if that's what you mean," I say trying to defend myself. For some reason now that B is back I have managed to fall back into that old habit of mine... thinking that none of these people really care about me at all. It doesn't happen all the time... but I do find myself struggling with it more now that she's here.

"Faith... I don't think she meant that," Tara starts in that motherly way that is trying to reassure me that I am still loved and needed here. She really is an amazing person.

"But she has barely said two words since she's been back hardly acted at all like herself and somehow she managed to attack you full on," Red finishes her original thought. "What happened?"

"We were just talking is all... I tried to get her to open up... to talk to me about what was going on inside that head of hers."

"Did you think she was going to talk to you?"

"No... not really. But I guess I thought I should try you know?" There is a lot of conflict and emotion in my voice when I say it and Tara reaches her hand out to me. I brush it off of my shoulder, not wanting to seem weak in any way. Red gives Tara this strange look but she lets it go and looks back at me.

"Faith... I know it's hard... but we have to just help her by letting her talk to us on her own time," Red says. I don't say a word back. My emotions are about to get the best of me and it is taking all the self control I have not to cry. I wish I could help B. I thought getting her to use her emotion would do the trick, but instead all it got me was a mouthful of blood and more pain in my heart. I feel like every time I think I make progress, the next day something changes and she starts to remember how much she used to hate me. Maybe we can never be anything more than enemies. "Faith? Is there something else you want to tell us? Is there something else bothering you?" Red asks it very carefully, like she's afraid the old rogue slayer will come out of me if she pushes too hard. I meet her eyes and soften my look. No need to worry them with my own insecurities.

"I'll be fine Red... thanks though." It satisfies Red and she stands from her seat and opens the door, leaving to go find her best friend and get her story. Tara is still standing by the door, quiet as can be. "I'm sorry T, I didn't mean to upset her," I say, not quite sure if I'm talking about B or Red.

"Faith..." T closes the door softly and starts walking toward me and she reaches her arms out, putting a hand on each shoulder. This time I let her do it. "Faith... can I ask you something and you promise you won't get mad?"

"Sure T... I guess so." I don't like where this is going.

"You love her don't you? I mean... you're in love with Buffy... aren't you?" My defensive mentality kicks in immediately and I can feel my heart starting to beat at an unreasonable speed inside my chest.

"What? No way! Why would you say that? You know my history with B... we hate each other."

"Except you don't... hate her I mean."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say as I try to step around her and she manages to get in front of me again. If she would have been anyone else I would have taken the move as a threat. But instead she just looks into my eyes, and I know in that moment that I have been caught. She can see it in my eyes for sure and all my insecurities are just laid out there for her to read.

"Faith... it makes sense. You've always been in love with her haven't you?" I don't say a word. I can't say a word. I can't even think of words. How the hell does T know this stuff? She's known me the least amount of time and she managed to pick up on how I feel... does that mean everyone else has picked up on it too? Even B? As I am freaking out in my mind, she leans against the closed door. "It's okay, they don't know... the others I mean... I didn't say anything... I've known since the first time I met you."

"How could you have known that when you met me? I wasn't even me when you met me! I was in her body!" I am raising my voice and I know it but I can't seem to calm down enough to lower it.

"That's how I knew...the way you were in her body. When you went back to that church... you did it because she would have wanted you to and because it's what she would have done. And in L.A., when you went to jail... I wasn't there but Buffy told us what happened with the rooftop and Angel... you turned yourself in for her didn't you... because she asked you to?" For some reason I feel all the tension in the air release. It was like someone had given her the script to the inner monologue in my head and read it out loud.

"Yeah... I did. I do... I love her okay?" It felt good to finally admit it to someone else and to say it out loud. I can finally breathe again.

"It's okay to love her Faith... she is pretty cute after all... just don't tell Willow I said that," Tara says with a little giggle. I can't help but chuckle with her. "I won't say anything... don't worry... but if you need someone to talk to... I'm here," T finishes.

"Thanks T... I appreciate it." With that she opens the door to the bathroom and walks out, leaving me alone to deal with everything that just took place in my mind.

So here I am, hours later in the day walking alone through the cemetery. The quiet is nice and I have staked zero vamps so far tonight. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for me. B decided to go to school with Red and Tara and see if she could get signed up to take classes again. I haven't talked to any of them except for Dawnie when I picked her up from school and dropped her off at the Magic Box. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to see B... so I just decided I would hang out a bit... take a nap since I didn't sleep very well last night. Figures though... I couldn't sleep... and before I knew it, it was time for patrol. As I am walking through the back of the cemetery, I notice a grave alone by a tree. Something about it makes me walk over to it and when I get there, I feel my breath hitch in my throat. The name on the headstone is Joyce Summers. I kneel down in front of it to get a closer look and find my hand reaching out and tracing the letters of her name.

"Hi Mrs. S. I bet you never thought I would be here again did ya? Yeah... neither did I. I'm sorry... I didn't know you were sick... not that I could have come to visit you if I would have known... but I'm still sorry and everything. For everything. For the way I treated you... you were the only one that gave me a chance and I threw it in your face. I was real messed up back then... but I think you already knew that." I pause for a minute when I feel the tears pooling behind my eyes. I stand again and try to regain my composure a little bit. "I'm doing the best I can I hope you know... I am trying to take care of them... look after your girls. You would be so proud of Dawnie... she is really growing up. And B... well... she's going through a rough time right now... but I know she's strong... she can get through this," I say feeling all the composure I was trying to regain about to fade away.

"I am not as strong as you think," a voice says behind me. I whirl around and B is standing off in the distance a little bit. I quickly wipe my eyes but I know that she was there a lot longer than I would have liked and she knows I was close to tears. The cut she had on her lip earlier in the day is completely gone and I subconsciously reach out to my own lip... there are only tiny scabs from where she managed to make me bleed.

"You're wrong. You are the strongest person I know," I say with a little shake in my voice. B starts moving closer to me until she is standing side by side with me and we stare at the headstone. I am gathering my thoughts, wondering how we can be standing here side by side calmly after what happened this morning.

"That was really hard... losing mom I mean. She was the strong one," B says quietly.

"She taught you well."

"I saw her you know... in Heaven. She was there with me... and it felt so safe to be with her again." I am quiet because I know this is B opening up to me... on her own time like Red said. This is becoming a pattern with her. She only seems to open up when it is late at night and it is just me and her. I wish I would have figured that out sooner... would have saved me some blood. "Being here is so hard... everything is so bright... it's so painful... I miss her all over again."

"I miss her too B... she was a real good woman," I say and I feel the tears forming again and I keep my eyes fixed on the grave in front of us.

"I'm sorry Faith." I turn to look at her so I can see her face and her gaze is still fixed on the headstone of her mom.

"Don't be B... it's my fault... I pushed you."

"I don't want it to be like that between us... again."

"I don't either." A pause. "B... I'm..."

"Don't say it," she says very calmly.

"Why not? Still going to beat me to death if I do?" I laugh a little when I ask the question, remembering what she had told me back in L.A. but her face doesn't change.

"No, but I know you are sorry Faith... and I forgave you a long time ago. I just want to move on."

"How? Do you think we can even be friends? We have never really been able to be."

"I want to," she says after a long silence. "I guess we just have to start slow." She turns and starts to walk away again and something inside of me tells me to run after her. When she is a hundred or so yards away, I give in to the feeling and chase her down. I turn her by her shoulder so she is facing me and keep my hands holding onto her.

"Look... I know you said you don't want to hear it from me... but I have to say it. So I can forgive myself. I'm sorry B. For everything I did to you... for all the pain and hurt I caused you... and everyone else. It was wrong... I was wrong... and I'm sorry," I spurt out before she has a chance to stop me. She doesn't try to get out of my grasp which surprises me a little. She doesn't even move really and her eyes are firmly fixed on my own. I am so lost in her eyes... they are a dark green at the moment and they are mesmerizing... that I don't notice her move forward until her lips are pressed up against my own in the softest kiss ever imaginable. My eyes instantly shut when I feel her on me and I suck in a breath through my nose, taking in the scent that is the woman I love. It isn't a deep kiss, but it lingers a bit. Just lips touching lips. When she pulls back I lick my lips without knowing I am even doing it... I can taste her cherry lip gloss... and I honestly think I am dreaming right now.

"I forgive you Faith," she says. With that, she turns and is running out of the cemetery once again. I am left standing there, unable to move... unable to do anything except run the same thought over and over again in my mind. Buffy Summers just kissed me.

Chapter Five

It's almost one in the morning when I get back to my apartment three nights later.Patrol was a little heavy... I dusted at least five vamps which isn't a busy night but isn't a slow one either.All I can think about is B as I make my way up to the door.I keep replaying that kiss between us over and over in my head.What did it mean?It's not like I can talk to B about it, because for the past three days she has gone out of her way to avoid me at all costs.The only time I see her is if we are having a Scooby meeting and even then she won't look me in the eyes.She finds reasons to go out on patrol alone and she doesn't join us all for breakfast or dinner lately.The gang has said she is still acting a little strange, keeping to herself a lot, but she is getting better at least in their minds.They are so happy about her progress that they haven't even noticed how much she is avoiding me.Except for Tara.She seems to notice everything lately.

I am deep in thought when I get in the place, and all the lights are off... and I leave them that way.The darkness is always soothing to me for some reason... I have never really figured out why.I make my way through the kitchen, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and opening it, taking a quick sip.I walk through the hall and to my bedroom looking forward to a nice long hot shower, and open the door.I jump slightly when I see a familiar figure sitting on my bed.Someone really should get this girl a bell.Or at least teach her how to use the front door.

"B?What are you doing here?"I ask calmly.I shut the door to my bedroom... and inch in a little bit.My breathing becomes heavy again as her scent fills the air and my sexual urges rush to the surface.

"I don't know," she says sounding like her mind is somewhere else.

"I'm glad you're here... we really should talk," I start to say, walking closer to where she is sitting on the bed pushing down the urges.I don't need to make things any more complicated than they already are.So no matter what I keep telling myself over and over to just keep a clear head.

"About what?"

"About the other night B... about what happened," I say in a calm voice.I don't want to piss her off or for her to run away like she always seems to do either.I don't think I could take it, because I have been trying to figure out what happened for three days now and she has just made it harder by not wanting to talk to me at all.

"There's nothing to talk about Faith... it was nothing," she says just as calmly as the words before.I manage to get over to the bed and sit down just as she stands and makes her way over to the door that I just came from.

"Figures," I say under my breath and I don't even know why I said it or what it meant.

"What does that mean?"There is anger in her voice instantly and I know I hit a nerve.

"Nothing B... don't worry about it."

"No... you want to talk about it so much... here I am... so talk."She has raised her voice a little and I can tell she is itching for a fight.She already has her arms crossed over her chest... all she needs now is the stance.I am getting pissed too now and I stand and start walking towards her.She really has no where to go other than out the door and I know she doesn't use the door.

"We kissed B... that is nothing?"

"It was nothing for me," she says in a tone that I can only describe as cruel and it sends a sharp pain through my heart when I hear it.

"Then why did you do it?"

"I don't know," she says quietly again... her tone changing just as fast as it did a second ago.She relaxes her arms again and is almost leaning against the closed door.I am really close to her now and she is looking at the ground again."I'm sorry."

"Sorry you did it... or sorry for not knowing why you did it?"

"Both," she says honestly.I am right in front of her now and she has moved her eyes up so I can see her.We are looking right at each other now, eyes fixed on one another.I have to say something or I am going to get lost in her eyes again.

"Don't be sorry B... all you have done since you've come back is say you are sorry to everyone... say you're sorry to me," I say.I can almost see the tension in her shoulders release and there is something about the small smile she gives me that makes me feel all my control slipping away.Without knowing what I am doing, I lean forward and capture her lips with mine.She grabs hold of the back of my neck and kisses me for all she's worth almost immediately.This is nothing like the night before... this is what I would describe as angry and frantic.She is pulling hard at the hair on my head and holding me to her.I swipe my tongue across her closed lips, hoping to gain entrance and deepen the kiss.To my surprise... that seems to do the trick and she opens her mouth a little... letting me in.As soon as my tongue is in contact with hers... the world stops around me.I can feel all my worries disappearing in my mind and all of my senses are at an all time high... almost like they are on overload.I feel like it is just me and her left in the universe.My mind is so lost in the moment that I don't feel her let go of my hair and move her hands to my shoulders.It doesn't take long though for me to finally notice and I don't even have time to react before she shoves me as hard as she can... sending me flying back landing on my ass on the floor by the edge of the bed.I manage to get a look at her face and she is breathing hard... just about as hard as I am and trying to calm her breathing.She is moving her fingers through her golden locks and straightening her shirt out some.I go to open my mouth to ask her what the hell just happened, but she beats me to it.

"See... it was just a kiss Faith... just like the other night and it didn't mean anything," she says in a way that makes me want to cry.I feel a little hiccup in my throat but push it back... not wanting to show her how much her words hurt me.I realize I am dangerously close to saying the three little words that I promised myself I would one day say to her but at the same time I am smart enough to know it is totally not the right time for.So I bury the love I have for her... like I always seem to do.

"Then why..." I start to question her but she doesn't seem to want to let me get a word in edgewise.

"So you can see, it was just a kiss... it meant nothing," she says, walking passed where I am still sitting on the ground and back toward the window she came in from.The tone in her voice is back to being empty and it frustrates me to no end.

"Didn't feel like nothing to me," I say under my breath but her slayer hearing picks up on it and she turns to face me just as she has one leg out the window.

"Then maybe I am not the one with the problem," she whispers and she ducks out the window and into the night... again.I don't move from where I am sitting on the ground next to the bed.I let her words run through my body and as they coarse through my veins I feel the sting from them.I render all control to my emotions... since I am alone in the dark... and let the floodgates back and the tears flow.

I didn't get to take that long hot shower I so desperately wanted to take.Instead I sat on the floor and cried like a fucking baby for hours before I managed to pull myself together and only got a short semi-warm shower before I had to meet the Scoobies for breakfast.

As much as I really don't wanna see B right now I am looking forward to breakfast.Tara sure knows how to cook.So I walk to Revello Drive deep in thought about where to go from here with B and find myself on the front porch steps perched and thinking.The only thing that brings me to the real world and out of my head is the sound of the front door opening.I turn behind me a little to see Dawn coming out of the house.She takes a seat next to me on the steps.

"Thinking?"

"Yeah."

"About Buffy?"My head shoots over to look at her but to my surprise she is just staring out into the yard with kind of a sad look on her face."Do you think she'll ever be back to how she was before?" she asks.

"She will get there D... just give her some more time," I say and I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.I see her smile slightly, the same little smile that B gave to me last night.Must be a Summers thing.

"I miss her Faith.It's weird to miss someone that is still here isn't it?"

"It isn't weird... the situation isn't normal Dawnie.There is never a right way to feel about something anyway.How you feel is how you feel," I say sounding much smarter than I actually am.Truthfully, Angel told me that once when he first found out how I felt about B.I broke down, told him I was sorry for feeling that way about her knowing that he loved her like I did and he told me it wasn't my fault.That you can't control who you love and that no one can ever tell you how to feel. He's a smart guy, but I guess he would have to be... he's been alive forever.

"I think there is something she isn't telling us," Dawn says.

"Like what?"I am curious to see what the squirt has managed to notice or overhear.She always was good at the eavesdropping thing.Pretty sure that is a Summers thing too.

"I don't know Faith, but don't you think that it is taking her a long time to adjust to being back.I mean... Angel didn't take this long did he?"I don't know why she is asking me.Me and B weren't the best of friends back then and she really kept Angel her own little project when he came back from hell.

"We can't rush her D... things will get back to normal soon, you'll see."We are quiet for a little while, just her and I sitting on the steps and staring out into the early morning.

"Faith, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"You aren't going to leave again are you?"I turn to look at her and notice that her eyes are filling with tears a little bit.It breaks my heart to see her cry.She and I have become close while I was living there and I love her like I love a little sister.She has had it rough this girl.Finding out she is not human and really just a mystical key that can destroy the world.That all her memories are created and that all the memories we have of her are created too... that can't be easy.But she is human now and no matter how the memories got there, they are there, and we treat them as though they really happened.She's got this deadbeat father who ditches her and her family the first chance he can get for a trip around the world and a hot ass secretary.Then, she loses her mom to something that her big sis... the slayer... the Chosen One... couldn't fight.From what I hear, it was sudden and D took it hard.And as if things weren't bad enough, she loses her sister only to have her brought back from the grave four months later.If that doesn't mess with your head I don't know what does.No wonder she is worried about people leaving her.I turn so I can face her better and she turns into me too.

"I'm not going anywhere D."

"You promise?"

"I promise."She sniffles a little bit and stands.I don't move from where I am on the steps and just continue to look out down the street.I feel as she moves back toward the door and hear it open just a crack.

"Good, because we need you here... I need you... Buffy needs you," she says quietly.She then turns and is in the door before I have a chance to say anything back.I shift on the steps and let out a huge sigh.

"I need her too... more than you know."

Chapter Six

I am walking at a pretty quick pace considering I don't have anywhere to be right about now. I have been doing a lot of that lately... walking... thinking... trying to figure things out. Ever since that night in my bedroom between B and I, we have been avoiding each other like the plague. We hardly speak to each other and when we do it always turns into a huge fight. Usually just verbal but there have been a few right hooks thrown my way. I never seem to learn. But there was one huge thing that happened. Turns out XMan summoned this crazy demon who makes us all sing our feelings and shit like that. Good thing I wasn't around B too much when it all happened because I can only imagine what would have happened if I would have serenaded her about how much I love her. Though I kind of wonder what she would have sang to me about. I stayed away as best I could but I was there though when B... while she was singing... admitted that she had been in Heaven... not hell... to the rest of the group. The faces of the Scoobies could only be described as destroyed. Red cried almost immediately and D looked like she was going to be sick. G had this look of pain on his face... because he knew now why she was acting the way she had been acting. They all could see it now. All I could hope was that telling them the truth would be able to help her... and it did. Ever since she sang the words to them... she has been so much better with everyone. Dawn seems much happier now that her sister isn't acting like a zombie half the time. As happy as I am that admitting it to them helped her... it had its downfalls. Now that they know the truth... B doesn't come around at night anymore. She has nothing to hide and no reason to confide in me about anything... that is Red's role... so she just stays away. I miss her... but I don't want her or anyone else to know that. It wasn't just me that was effected either. Turns out Red and Tara got into some huge fight about Red's use of magic, which I have to agree with T... is getting excessive and T moved out of the house. I never thought I would see the day that Red and Tara would call it quits. They always seemed so in love. But the worst thing that happened was G decided to go back to England. B and Dawnie threw a major temper tantrum about it, but he did it anyway, saying he knew things would be handled here and he wasn't needed anymore. The Hellmouth has both slayers to guard it and the gang is obviously capable of helping out when needed for research and stuff like that. If only he knew how wrong he was. It seemed like everything was just falling apart.

For as long as I can remember the Scoobies were the tightest group of friends I have ever known. But things were different for the past couple of weeks. I could feel it. Sometimes the tension in the room was so great that I had to go outside just to catch my breath. They seemed almost fearful of Red. Like they are wondering just how far she was going to take this magic thing. They seemed so conflicted when they looked at B. Like they could finally understand why being back was so hard for her, but at the same time, were just happy she was alive again. It was strange to be surrounded by them at a time like that, with them all so distant from one another. I knew things would straighten out eventually, but I really didn't think it would take the two weeks that it did for that to happen. It is finally getting back to normal a little now. Red seems to be doing well with the lack of magic use which makes everyone much more comfortable around her and B seems to be getting back to her old self again, which makes them feel less conflicted about how happy they are she is alive. So things are looking up, but they are far from being good again.

I make my way to the Magic Box that day as I walk through the nice sunny day. I don't know why I ended up here, but I did. I guess in a way it is just like the library. I always know someone will be there. The bell clangs overhead when I open the door to the shop and three faces are immediately staring at me.

"What's up Faith? Want a donut?" XMan asks me. I smile at him and walk toward the counter he is sitting at with the box of donuts.

"Thanks man," I say, picking one up and taking a big bite of the last jelly filled in the box.

"You slayers and the way you eat," Red comments as she continues to look through her book that is out on the table in front of her. She doesn't seem on edge so I assume she is just doing casual research to keep herself busy and away from the magic. I chuckle along with her and take a seat at the stool next to Xander. I feel my elbow being nudged a bit by Anya.

"Hey! Get your dirty hands off my clean counter," she says with a very irritated tone. "I just wiped it down after Xander made a mess of it."

"Sorry," I say with my mouth completely full of donut. And let the bickering begin! XMan and Anya start to go at each others throats with the verbal assault and Red feels the need to chime in every now and then. I am caught up with the conversation going on so much so that I don't even notice that someone else has entered the room... until Red says her name.

"Hey Buffy. What's up?" She nods and smiles at her best friend and the others in the room who settle down as she approaches.

"Hey Faith, how are you?" If I wasn't sitting down my knees would have given out and I would have fallen over. Did she really just ask me how I was doing? That is the most she has spoken to me in weeks. She seriously avoided me like I had a disease or something. Every time I would come over for dinner or breakfast, she would eat as fast as she could and either leave or go up to her room. She would find reasons to patrol by herself and if she did say anything to me, it was a jab or a snide comment that always seemed to piss me off.

"I'm good B... how are you?"

Good... I'm glad... it's been... awhile... you wanna spar for a bit or do you have plans?" she asks in the most casual voice ever.

"Uh... I guess... we can do that... yeah," I say standing from my spot and heading toward her. Red flashes a smile at both me and B. The way she is acting is bothering me and I wasn't fully prepared to talk with her, but I know it has to be done. My hands start to sweat the instant my feet move.

"Guys, we'll be in the training room," B says as we walk passed them and they just nod and continue doing whatever it is they were doing before. Oh yeah, bickering. I feel like the walk to the back is fifty miles long as the voices from the gang slowly fade. My head is spinning and my eyes are losing focus as I watch her ass sway from side to side in front of me. When we finally get into the training room, I shut the door quietly and take a deep breath before turning around to face her.

"B... we really should..."

"Talk... yeah I know," she says casually as she stretches on the mat on the ground. She looks relaxed and calm and just seeing her like that is making me even more on edge. I walk toward her and take a place in front of her, mimicking her stretches. We are quiet for a while but it isn't long before I have to say something. The awkward silence always gets to me.

"B what's going on? Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I don't know, I guess I just had a lot I was thinking about," she says calmly as she continues stretching. "I needed to figure some things out in my head first before we talked and then with the singing... and Giles leaving, it was... hard." The casual tone in her voice is bothering me more than I would like.

"You said you wanted to be friends B... but then you go and act like you hate me again. I don't get it."

"And you think I do!"

"You are the one that keeps pushing me away!" My voice is raising and I know I need to tone it down because I don't want this to escalate before I have a chance to finish talking with her.

"I know that... I said I was sorry."

"What about everything else?"

"What do you mean?" I can feel my cheeks get red with anger when she ask the question but I push it back and manage to not draw blood on my lip where I am biting it.

"You know what I am talking about B... that night, in my room."

"I said everything I needed to say about that," she says, making sure not to make eye contact with me when she does.

"So... it meant nothing... is that what you are saying?" She stands from the mat and starts to wrap her hands with tape. She isn't facing me and she doesn't answer me right away. It is almost like she is hesitating a little bit. "B?"

"It meant nothing," she practically whispers. I move closer to her until I am right up behind her. I know she can feel my breath on her skin because the hairs on the back of her neck are standing up a bit.

"Why are you lying to yourself?" I ask in the same whisper she used when she spoke to me. She doesn't turn around even though I expected her to. I raise my hands and gently rest them on her hips and I can almost feel the tension in her release a little bit. "Is it because I'm a girl, or because I'm me?" I feel her let out a huge breath of air and can imagine she has her eyes closed as she almost leans fully back on me. My face is right on her shoulder, our cheeks almost touching.

"Both... Faith... I shouldn't be doing this," she says as she spins and pushes away from me in a second. I feel that nervousness in my stomach again. She is facing me now and the little moment we had is gone. I take a few steps back and look down at my feet.

"Why is it so wrong? Have you ever thought maybe that's why we can't be friends... maybe we are supposed to be more?" She doesn't respond and when she finally makes eye contact with me I see the fear rising up in them. "What are you so scared of... is it me?" It would make sense if that we the case, I have given her plenty of reasons to not trust me in the past. But that isn't who I am anymore. She is quiet for a minute more and I can almost see the courage rise up in her when she finally answers me.

"No Faith, I'm not scared of you. It's the way you make me feel that scares me."

Chapter Seven

I like the quiet. I am one of those people that can be by myself for long stretches of time and never once feel like I need to hear a voice to keep me sane. I use the quiet to think a lot of the time and have found, especially after all my years in jail, that when people are at their quietest they are usually at their most vulnerable state. So the silence that is between me and B right now as we stand facing each other in the training room of the Magic Box should be cake for me to handle. But it isn't, especially not after the words that just came out of her mouth. This quiet is gut wrenching, heart aching, mind boggling and I just want it to end. I can't get a read on what she's thinking and she looks like she is trying to hard to figure out what's going on in my mind too. The first noise at all is the sound of her moving her feet and sitting on the couch. I take the move as a sign that the silence is coming to an end and move to sit next to her. She doesn't get up when I sit, which is a nice change of pace for her. I can tell she has something she wants to say and it's on the tip of her tongue

"I don't know why I kissed you Faith... but I have felt so alone since I've been back, so lost. For some reason the only time I don't feel like that is when I'm with you." Her voice is shaky and I can tell that bothers her. She is trying to stay completely controlled but it is clear that she isn't.

"I don't understand B."

"Either do I. All I know is that being back here is more tolerable when I'm around you. Doesn't matter what we are doing... fighting, kissing, talking or just sitting in silence. You make me feel something, and that's something that only happens when I'm around you." I can feel my heart skip a beat with her words.

"I guess that makes sense if you think about it," I say relaxing more into the couch, trying to show my indifference with the situation and her words despite feeling like I want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go.

"How do you figure?" That confidence in her voice is back and I can tell she is relaxing a little more as I do.

"The way I see it, you know that I had no part in bringing you back. As much as you love them, you didn't want to be here, and it is almost like they betrayed you. You are conflicted around them so you shut down." Wow, that made me sound really smart. Much smarter than I really am.

"Dawnie wasn't a part of that, so how do you explain that then miss smarty-pants?" I can't help but chuckle a little at the name she called me even though I know she is trying really hard to act more comfortable than she really is.

"It's kinda the same with Dawnie. You don't want her to see how conflicted you are about being alive again, because you know how glad she is you are back. It's gotta be hard B... to be the one that was effected by their choices and not having had a choice about it yourself." She nods her head in agreement and I think she even smiles a little bit.

"You really are different aren't you?" she asks after only a short pause as she looks over at me.

"Aren't you? I mean, after what you went through, the dying and coming back and all... aren't you a different person because of it?" She looks like she goes deep into thought for a minute before she responds to me.

"I guess I am. I look at things differently that's for sure."

"What dying did for you... prison did for me," I say. "I think you got the easy way," I say lightheartedly while playfully bumping her with my shoulder, and she smiles along with my joke. A genuine smile too and it melts my heart. Just as I am about to suspect the silence will fall upon us again, I feel the tips of her fingers and they are brushing against my hand. I look down and focus on them and she doesn't stop the movement. I glance up at her and she is staring right into my eyes. She has gotten closer to me at some point and I didn't even notice until now. I can feel my heart rate start to skyrocket.

"B?... What..." I go to ask her but she puts a finger up to my lips before I can ask my question and turns so she is facing me more.

"Don't say anything, please Faith. Just let me feel something," she says as she moves and captures my lips with hers.

For a brief second, and I mean a very brief second, I don't respond to her. As soon as I realize what's happening, which like I said, doesn't take me very long, I move my hands to her hips and pull her closer to my body. The kiss is sweet and sensual, and I have lost all sense of right and wrong. She is kissing me slow and soft, nothing like she has before and if I didn't know how to control myself as well as I do, I think I would have ripped her clothes off by now. As our tongues dance around in each others mouths, I feel her snake her hands to my hair which she always seems to love to pull at. I surrender to the moment when I lean back on the couch and pull her on top of me where she settles comfortably between my legs without us breaking the kiss. She is moaning into the kiss and the sound and vibrations have me going crazy. Just when I think I need to stop this before it goes too far, I feel a strong knee press up against my aching and dripping center, clouding all the thoughts of what is right and wrong in my head. She manages to get her knee to hit just at the right spot so the seam of my jeans is right on my clit and she is moving enough to be circling it a little. I can feel the wetness pooling and I quickly decide that I am just going to let whatever happens... happen. I hear a moan and am a little surprised to find out it was my own. My hands are moving up and down on her sides just under her shirt. When she releases from my mouth I get a good look at her eyes. She seems comfortable... almost confident in a way.

"This needs to come off... now," she says pulling up on my shirt and I let her raise it over my head and she throws it onto the floor. I mimic her and do the same with her shirt but take it one step further and with a flick of my wrist have her bra unsnapped and off her shoulders. She smiles at me with that smile of hers. The one that gets me every time. I can't help but smile back as I raise my hands to her breasts and gently pinch her pink nipples between my finger and thumb. Her eyes snap shut and she arches into my hands. I feel her fidgeting around behind my back, trying to get my bra undone. She finally gets it off and as she does I lean up and capture her lips in another hot and steamy kiss. Her knee is still rubbing into my pussy and both of us are moaning as the kiss continues. She breaks the kiss once more and pulls my bra away from my body, her eyes drinking in the site of my breasts. She leans down and takes my left nipple into her mouth. I let out a noise that I can't really even describe and wasn't sure I was even capable of making. I am completely lost in the trance that is her as she works her magic with her tongue on my right nipple now but it doesn't take long for me to regain my functions and I push her back so I am now straddling her on the couch.

"Faith... I..."

"Don't... you wanted to feel. Let me help you feel," I say as I capture her lips once again in a short but very deep kiss. I move my mouth down from her lips to her jaw where I place a few short wet kisses and then down again to her chest, where I take her hard nipple in my mouth. Her hands find my hair and she is massaging my scalp as I swirl my tongue around her breasts and venture lower to her belly button. I dip my tongue in just for a second and she squirms a little letting out a girlish giggle. I move a little further to her pants and look up at her as I pop the button on her jeans and shimmy them down her golden legs. She is beautiful and I wish I could tell her that, but I bite my tongue and focus on the task at hand. I can smell her arousal and the second her jeans are off, I can see evidence of it. Her panties are soaked, like someone dipped them in water and she is bucking her hips slightly trying to get pressure where she desperately needs it. I pull her black lace underwear down and fling them to the ground with the rest of the clothes and see as she slowly spreads her legs open for me. I can see how wet she is and can feel the heat flowing from her center. I kiss up from her ankles to her inner thighs and sneak a look at her again. Her eyes are shut and she is biting on that lower lips of hers. I smile as I place a wet kiss on her inner thigh just near her soaking wet pussy before using my tongue to finally get a taste of her. I have always wanted to know what this woman tastes like and let me tell you... if I could eat her and her only for the rest of my life, I would be totally fine with that.

"Oh my God," she says through a moan as my tongue makes its way through her slick folds. I use my left hand to hold her hips down a little as my tongue finds her clit, swollen and throbbing. I attach myself to it, sucking and using a good amount of pressure. She is a slayer so I know she can handle it. Her hips start thrashing and I have to use a little more strength to hold her down. Her hands are on the back of my head, holding my face into her center. I can barely breathe, but I don't care. I could die down here a happy woman. I continue the assault on her clit until I feel her pull up on my hair. I remove my mouth from her clit and look up at her. Her eyes are open and she has moved her hands to the front of my pants, struggling with the belt. I smile a sheepish grin and help her, taking my own pants and underwear off and discarding them to the side into the pile of clothes below.

"I need to feel you inside of me," she says and the way she says it is so damn sexy that I think I almost came. I waste no time and move my hands down to her center, entering her with two fingers. Her eyes fly shut immediately and I start a gentle rhythm inside of her. I can tell after just a short time that it isn't enough and I add another finger to the fire. She is pumping up and down on my hand and my clit is rubbing smoothly on her golden thigh as we thrust in time with one another. I can feel as she starts to contract around my fingers and I speed up, using my thumb to rub her clit once more and push her over the edge.

"Faaaiiittthhh!" she moans out as she comes all over my hand and it has me coming instantly too. I can feel my wetness seeping on her leg and start seeing stars as I slow my fingers down and we both come to a stop. I rest my forehead on her shoulder and I can hear her heart beating frantically like I am sure mine is doing. Her breathing is heavy and I am just waiting for her to freak out and push me off of her. Instead, her hands find my hair again and she pulls me over to her mouth so I can give her another passionate kiss. It surprises me but she breaks it quickly and I succumb to her wishes and sit up moving back so she too can sit up on the couch. We are not making eye contact and it is only a short pause before I hear her sigh.

"Faith..."

"You don't have to say anything B... I know... it means nothing," I say standing from the couch and finding my clothes without looking at her still. I don't want to hear it from her again and I have to keep my emotions in check. The reality of what just happened hits me like a ton of bricks. I am sure she is going to tell me just how much this doesn't mean to her but she has no idea how much it means to me. How long I have dreamed of this with her and how what just happened exceeded every fantasy I have ever had about what it would be like to be with her. I don't know where we are going to go from here. I am dressing as quickly as possible and she hasn't moved from the couch. She is just sitting there stark nude and it is taking all my self control to not just stare at her perfect body. Just as I pull my shirt over my head I feel her rise behind me.

"Does it have to mean something Faith? You always said you were the `get some get gone' type of girl anyway." She doesn't say it in a cruel way but I take it that way despite it. I don't even know why I do though, because she's right. That is exactly the type of girl I am... or at least the type of girl I was. But I can't tell her that. I can't tell her how I have changed and that I have changed because her... for her. Not now and maybe not ever now. I don't want things to be any harder than they have to be. I turn and face her after a few moments of pushing down the anger inside of me and see that she has gathered her clothes and already has her bra and lower clothes back on.

"You're right," I say letting out a huge breath of air I didn't know I was holding in. "It was just sex." A pause. "So... what do we do now? Are you going to avoid me and act like you hate me all the time or do you think we can maybe try to get along?"

"Are you asking me if I can play nice?" she asks and she has a little smirk on her face as she says it. I know she is trying to make me feel a little better, maybe even more comfortable with the situation, but no matter what she does I am still on edge. She pulls her shirt over her head and starts to try to smooth out her hair.

"Can you?"

"Yes... and I will. We are friends Faith... that's what I want and I am sorry that I was being such a bitch before." I am at a loss for words. Mostly because she just admitted to being a bitch and also because there isn't a good way to respond to that without getting punched in the face. So I just smile at her and walk to the door to the training room. I need to get out of here before I say something I will regret. Just as my hand reaches the door knob I hear her whisper, "Thank you for helping me feel Faith." I turn back so I can face her and I see that she has a genuine smile on her face. Something about it makes me proud. I made her smile like that.

"Anytime B."

"I'll hold you to that," she says snickering as she walks past me and opens the door on her own, heading out to the shop area leaving me once again to ponder just exactly what her words could mean.

Chapter Eight

"Slow night huh?" I glance next to me at the blonde beauty. She is twirling her stake in her right hand and shuffling her feet a little as we walk through the cemetery. She looks beautiful in the moonlight... with her tight dark jeans and equally tight red top. Her hair is perfect despite the slight breeze and she is wearing that leather jacket that she loves so much. It truly has been what I would consider probably the most boring week in Sunnydale history. We have barely seen any action... from the forces of evil that is. Personally, I have seen more action than I thought would ever be possible, considering the source. After that day in the training room, B started making appearances at my apartment late into the night again. The difference with these visits was that there was no fighting... no talking... just a lot of hot and wild sex. She would always come through the window, never the front door and she came with one thing in mind. It was like now that she had finally admitted whatever it was she had admitted to me about needing me to feel or whatever, nothing else mattered to her. She never stayed the whole night, always afraid that Red or Dawnie would worry about her. I think she was more worried about them figuring out where she was if you ask me or maybe even about getting too attached if she stayed. But sometimes we would go at it for hours on end... to the point where I didn't think I could take anymore... and that's saying a lot for me. Guess I finally found my match in her. Maybe it is a slayer thing. She is the only one that is just like me after all. But maybe it more than just a slayer thing... maybe it is so good with her because she is Buffy and she is the only girl I have ever loved.

"This is pointless. Where is all the evil? Did the Hellmouth close without telling us?" I am chuckling a little bit and she has a smile on her face. The other thing that has changed since that day is she and I are getting along really well during the sunlight hours too. We haven't had a physical fight the entire week and we have only had one screaming match that Xander had to break up and that was about who got to eat the last of the pancakes for breakfast. All in all I would say we were making huge progress. Things are going better for the whole gang too. Xander and Anya pretty much have their wedding plans done and figured out and Red has been doing really well with the whole not abusing magic thing. T has come around once or twice, but I have high hopes that she will be back for good soon enough. Dawn is doing really well in school and I can tell she is happy that B and I aren't fighting as much anymore. Makes it easier for everyone when we are getting along.

"You think they would leave us a note or something," I say continuing her joke and getting a smirk from her.

"I'm just saying that it's weird. All the vampires, demons and forces of darkness decide to go on vacation at the same time? Gives me a major case of the wiggins," she says as she stops and leans against a huge tree.

"We should talk to the others... get a research party going," I say calmly, kneeling in front of her and picking at the grass just to keep my hands occupied.

"I already talked to Will about it last night. She is going to see what she can find out."

"Works for me. I never liked the research part anyway." She smiles and I reciprocate it. There is silence between us now and for some reason it doesn't bother me like it used to. I have gotten used to our moments of silence in just a short seven days. It keeps me in check and I have learned to appreciate them when they come. Gives me a chance to collect my emotions and thoughts so I don't say something that I know will forever ruin what we have. Whatever it is that we have. Despite wanting more from our little arrangement, I know she doesn't, so I settle for what I can get with her. I can only hope that one day she will see just how much she means to me and she will be able to give me a chance to prove it to her.

"Hey Faith..." she asks quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Are you coming to my birthday party Saturday night? I... I didn't get a chance to invite you... It's at the house." I glance up at her and she is still leaning against the same tree, picking at her nails, making sure her gaze doesn't catch mine. She may have not had a chance to invite me but Xander did. It is still a few days away which gives me a chance to find her the perfect gift.

"Wouldn't miss it," I say firmly.

"Good." The silence falls upon us once more. I stand and stretch my arms above my head and crack my back a little. I see her eyes wander to where my shirt has risen up to reveal my stomach before she quickly looks away with a slight blush on her face. "I think we should call it a night. Walk me home?" I nod to her and we start the short walk back to Revello Drive.

When we get to her house, she pauses before going up the drive and leans against the big tree in her front yard, mirroring her stance from just a few minutes ago in the cemetery. All the lights in the house are out and I can tell that Red and Dawn are asleep by the lack of noise coming from inside. This happens every night it seems. I walk her home and then she will delay actually going in the door. Usually we just stand there by the tree in that silence we have grown accustomed to. It is nice to just be there with her with no expectations and no punches being thrown. I don't know what is different about tonight though. Maybe it is how stunning she looks... maybe I am desperate for her touch. I slowly walk toward her until I am just inches from her.

"You sure you don't wanna just come back to my place now? From the looks of it everyone is asleep. No one will ever know."

"I can't Faith," she says as I move even closer to her and I feel her breathing hitch.

"You always say that... every night... then you end up at my apartment an hour later," I say as I lift my hand and run my fingers through her golden blonde hair. Her eyes close when I make contact and she lets out a tiny moan. Even the slightest contact between us sends tingles down my spine and I am starting to notice that the little touches we share get a reaction from her every time too. I know that I am going to win this argument and despite knowing just how much pressure I am putting on her, I can't help the uncontrollable desire I have to take her right here.

"I should go inside," she whispers just as my lips capture hers in a passionate kiss. She kisses me back without any hesitation and I feel her tongue sweep across my lips seeking entrance into my mouth. Apparently I wasn't the only one needing something right now because the kiss is needy and hungry. I let her in and she swirls around the roof of my mouth. But she pulls her tongue out and manages to break the kiss just as the clouds filled my mind.

"Faith... what is this?" She uses hand gestures to show that she means between me and her. I shrug my shoulders and keep my hands firmly on her hips, lightly rubbing my thumbs on the bare skin where her shirt has risen up. I don't know why she is talking about this now, but I just want to get back to what we were doing because I am afraid if this talk gets too deep I might say the wrong thing. I can tell that the gentle touch of my fingers on her skin is driving her crazy because her breathing is erratic and choppy.

"It's just sex B...just like you said," I say with an even tone despite wanting desperately to tell her how much it means to me. I wanna shout it out for everyone to hear. I love her... I am head over heels in love with this woman.

"Oh... okay... I was just making sure," she says before she leans forward and captures my lips once more, not giving me a chance to question the falter in her response. Her hands find my hair and she breaks the kiss and turns her head to the side so she can catch her breath a little. Immediately my mouth attaches to her pulse point where I suck and nibble on the flesh. My hands wander to the button on her pants where I slowly snap it open and begin a snail pace decent to her heat radiating center. I know I shouldn't be teasing her... not here... not now when she needs this so badly. So I don't hesitate anymore. I know her body like I know the back of my hand and I push aside the panties that are already damp and enter her fast with two fingers.

"Holy shit!" she practically screams when I start a fast rhythm pumping into her pussy. I cover her mouth with my own to muffle the noise. Her pants are falling lower and lower down her legs as I continue to move my hand and grind my own center against her thigh as she meets me thrust for thrust. I curl my fingers up in her, brushing her g-spot and wiggle them as I feel her contract around me after only a few short minutes. Just as she is about to scream again, I hear the front door open to the house. I immediately pull her down to my shoulder where she bites down to stop herself from making noise and I stop all my movement despite the pain from where she has attached her teeth into my skin. Thankfully when we started this little sexcapade we were smart enough to move to the back of the tree so we are hidden from the view of the house. I am pressed tightly up against her with her back in the trunk as we hold our breaths, her mouth still attached to my shoulder, waiting for the door to shut once again. It seriously feels like it is hours before I hear the door click shut again and B releases her grip on my shoulder and we both let out a huge breath of air. I immediately back up from her giving her a chance to sort herself out, pull up her pants and situate her underwear.

"That was close huh?" I whisper trying to keep the mood light and fun. I know that she is freaked out that we almost got caught. The last thing she wants is to have to explain to her best friend or her baby sister what I was doing with my hands down her pants. It is the last thing I want to do either. I don't know that I could lie to them if they asked me out right what was going on between us.

"Too close Faith. I shouldn't have let you talk me into this here."

"Me? You kissed me B. You started this shit not me!" I say in a loud whisper which I know she doesn't appreciate.

"Keep your voice down Faith!" she says in the exact same loud whisper I just used. I can feel the anger bubbling up inside my gut and I know I should walk away.

"I should go," I say calming down a little and backing up even further from her.

"Yeah, you should," she says with that irritated tone to her voice. I don't say anything back, I just turn and start to walk toward my apartment. I don't look back at her despite how badly I want to. I know she is frustrated and worked up because she almost got caught with me, but the way she dismissed me really hurt me. Not to mention I am still a little riled up because I didn't get off like she did and I could really use a little release right about now. I lose my composure just as I reach the corner of her street and I turn ever so slightly to glance back toward her house. I can see she is still behind the tree in my line of vision. She is kneeling down and her hands are covering her face. If I didn't know any better, I would think she was crying. But I do know better. This is B and what we have isn't a relationship and it means nothing so there is no way she is actually shedding a tear over me. I suck in a breath and going against my heart turn back around and walk home, not looking back again. I keep my own tears pushed back behind my eyelids as I walk back to my apartment alone.

Chapter Nine

I open the back door at 1630 Revello Drive carrying a case of my favorite beer.

"Ahhh Faith... you are just the person I wanted to see," Xander says as he approaches me and takes the beer from my grasp, shutting the door with his other hand.

"Why's that dude? You miss me or something?"

"Uh no... I just like your beer better than the beer that Will got." I chuckle and slap him lightly on the shoulder. He flashes me his white teeth in a big smile and leads me forward further into the kitchen.

"So who's here? Is anyone except the Scoobies coming tonight?" I ask as I settle on the kitchen stool, looking around for the birthday girl herself. After that night in front of her house, she has been a little distant from me. She is still putting on a good show during the daylight hours so the others don't see something is up, but she hasn't come over at night since. Which means it has been three long and miserable nights without a touch from the girl I love.

"Actually... Xander and I invited someone... a male someone... for Buffy," Anya explains as she dumps the chips into the bowl on the counter in front of me. Xander reaches his hand in and takes one only to get it smacked by his soon to be wife. I can't help but tense up when she mentions bringing a blind date for B and I am just thankful that Buff herself isn't around to see my reaction. The others may have not noticed but she would have, no doubt in my mind and I can't risk her finding out the feelings I have been hiding.

"Does B know?"

"Does B know what? Hi Faith... thanks for coming," Buffy says as she enters the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a soda out. She sounds happy... and the words she says to me aren't forced. She obviously isn't angry with me anymore. Once again, she is beautiful and the sight of her almost makes me fall off of my chair. Anya and Xander look at each other before turning back to her.

"We invited someone... I hope that's okay," Xander says tentatively. I can't wait to see how she is going to react to this. A part of me hopes she will get totally pissed off and tell them to send this dude packing.

"Xander! What kind of someone?"

"The blind date kind of someone," he replies, obviously well aware that she isn't thrilled with his match making attempt.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because Buffy... he's a nice guy and we thought maybe you and him would get along." Xander says trying to get her to hear him out. She just stands there and crosses her arms over her chest in her signature stance that says how pissed she really is.

"Oh come on Buffy! You haven't dated anyone in a long time! You don't have the marry the guy. Hell, you don't even have to date him! He's really good on the eyes... maybe you should just have your way with him a time or two to loosen up or something. Sex always makes me happier," Anya informs her. I want so badly to open my mouth and laugh hysterically but I know I shouldn't so I settle for a little chuckle that turns out to be more of a snort. I get a funny look from the three faces surrounding me but they quickly look away. Xander reaches around Anya and puts his hand on her shoulder.

"That was a bit of an over share sweetheart," Xander says with a smile on his face that shows just how uncomfortable this conversation is making him.

"I don't need sex to make me happy," B says roughly, shooting me a glare when she does. I bite my tongue from saying something I know will piss her off more and she quickly looks back at Xander before the others notice the death vibe B is sending my way.

"Just give him a chance Buffy. For me? Please? I work with the guy and I don't want him thinking that we are all crazy... even if we really are okay?" XMan asks.

"Fine. But I am not going to date him and I'm not going to use him for sex. I will be nice and polite, but that's it. Don't go pushing your luck."

"Good. Because he just pulled up so go answer the door and be nice," Anya says looking out the kitchen window. I desperately want to jump up and see what he looks like but I know that will look a little strange. I stay as still as possible on the stool. Buffy turns and heads toward the front door with Xander and Anya in tow and just as she is out of sight, Red enters the kitchen.

"Faith... what do you think of this outfit? Do I look alright?" Red asks as she smoothes out her shirt a little with her hand and looks down at herself. I take a minute to look her over and she does look really good.

"You look great Red. Is it safe to assume that Tara is coming and that's why you are so nervous?"

"I just want to look nice for her." I stand so I can put my hand on her shoulder and look her in the eye. She looks nervous. She looks like that young girl she was when I first met her all those years ago. It is so obvious just by looking at her how head over heels in love she is with Tara. It makes me wonder if I am that obvious with the way I look at B.

"I'm sure she will be blown away... you look gorgeous," I say. I can tell by the look in Red's eyes that she is relieved to hear me say the words but at the same time they arouse a bit of suspicion coming from me. I will admit, the comment was a bit out of character. It is like she goes through an internal struggle to decide if she is going to call me out on it or if she is going to let it slip by just for now. She obviously chooses the latter.

"Thanks Faith. I better go find Dawnie and tell her to get down here so we can get started." She turns and leaves just as quickly as the others did and just as she reaches the top of the stairs I hear the front door open. I grab a beer and walk toward the foot of the stairs just to see T entering the house.

"Hey T," I say and walk over to her. She reaches her arms out and wraps me in a huge hug.

"Faith... it's so good to see you. How have things been?"

"Five by five."

"I guess that means we need to talk about something huh?" I can't help but laugh and help her hang her jacket up.

"Why would you say that T?"

"You only use that phrase when you don't have the words to say exactly what you feel." I hate how this woman has come to know me so well but it comforts me at the same time.

"We will talk later... maybe we can get coffee sometime," I say and just as I do I hear the front door open behind Tara. Buffy walks in with the friend that Xander and Anya invited.

I don't like this guy immediately. He isn't a demon or anything, but I just don't like him. He is tall, much taller than anyone else in the house and he has this hair that is just too perfect. His teeth are perfectly straight and his shirt is perfectly not wrinkled and his shoes are perfectly white. I fight the urge to walk up to him and punch him square in the eye and give him the perfect shiner.

"Richard... this is Tara and this is Faith," she says nodding over toward me. After saying hello I see that Tara is now fixing her gaze on Buffy and then glancing back over to me, almost like she is trying to figure out what is going on between us without me telling her. I try to ignore her stare and hold my hand out to shake Richard's.

"It's nice to meet cha," I say biting my cheek so I don't say something really rude.

"How do you know Buffy?" I go to open my mouth but Buffy rushes to beat me to it.

"We work together," B practically shouts and it is then that I see Tara smile and I know she has figured it out.

"What she said Rich," I say moving away from the door and into the living room where the rest of the gang has gathered. Dawn has come running down the stairs and hugged Tara and left her and Red to have their awkward reunion at the foot of the stairs by themselves. They come in the room after just a few minutes and I can tell by the look on Red's face that things didn't go as well as she wanted them to but she is trying to play it off like nothing is wrong.

"So... presents? Should we start with presents?" she asks, putting that smile on her face that I know is forced. There is a squeal from B and even Dawnie claps her hands a little as everyone gathers around on the floor. I put my hand in my pocket and grasp onto the box that I am holding there. It is a gift for B but I didn't want to give it to her with everyone else around. I need to wait so there are no questions from the others. Rich settles next to B on the floor and I feel my blood pressure rise and I practically draw blood where I am biting my lip. I hate this guy!

A few hours have passed and the party is starting to wind down. I have had a pretty good time considering B hasn't said a word directly to me since I first got there and perfect boy arrived, but it's nice to hang with the gang like this. Richard has kept himself at her side the entire night and I can tell by that look in her eye that she is uncomfortable with how close he is sitting to her right now on the couch while we all shoot the shit. She keeps stealing glances at me and every time our eyes meet she quickly looks back to Richard and pretends to be interested in whatever stupid thing it is he is saying. Dawnie, Xander and Anya are playing some game on the floor in front of the couch and Anya keeps getting excited every time she gets more money. We keep chiming in about how greedy she is but she doesn't seem to care. Tara and Red are in the kitchen cleaning up and I'm pretty sure they are arguing because every once and a while I can hear voices being raised. Not loud enough for the others to hear but my slayer hearing gives me that little edge to know that there is something going on. I know B hears it too because she keeps glancing over at the kitchen just about the same time I do when the voices get louder.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom before I go," I say rising from my spot on the chair and lifting my arms above my head to stretch. I catch B's eyes looking at my toned stomach where the shirt has risen and she quickly snaps her eyes away when I start to chuckle a little.

"You going home?" D asks me.

"Yeah... I'll come say bye though," I say as I make my way out of the living room and to the bathroom. Once I get in there I do what I have to do and wash my hands. I stop and take a good long look at myself in the mirror, pulling out the box from my pocket that holds the bracelet I got for B for her birthday. I never did give it to her, there wasn't a right time. And after how things have gone tonight, I am starting to think there never will be one. I put the box back in my pocket and splash some water on my face and dry it with a towel sitting next to the sink. I take a deep breath and remind myself that I have no right to be jealous of Richard because I am not in a real relationship with her no matter how much I wish I was and no matter how much sex we have. We are nothing more than friends with benefits. Never thought B was the type to have an arrangement like that, but it seems like this is the best I'm ever going to get with her. It breaks my heart to admit that to myself but I have no choice than to put on a brave face. As soon as I feel I have convinced myself that I can handle it, I leave the bathroom, flicking the light off as I go. Just as I get out the door I can see B closing the front door to the house in front of me down the hallway. She turns so she can face me and she has a smile on her face. It is the first time I have seen her smile in a few days like that at me and it just reaffirms that she must have gotten over being angry with me. She glances into the living room and then back to the kitchen, probably making sure that the others are still occupied and makes her way over to where I am still standing just in front of the bathroom door.

"I never did get a chance to thank you for coming," she says quietly. She is still a good distance away from me, leaning against the wall just across from the bathroom door that I am still standing in.

"I told you I would be here didn't I B?"

"You did... I guess I just thought... I don't know... that since I haven't... you know... been over..."

"B... relax, we are just friends right. No commitment so no worries," I say trying to sound as confident as I want to feel. She glances down at her feet and I take that chance to inch toward her and get close to her, up in her personal space. "Did you have fun with Rich?" Her eyes dart up to meet mine and I can see them change. There is a hint of anger but it is almost like she is proud of something and ashamed of something all at the same time.

"Why? Are you jealous?" She follows the question with a smirk that makes her look sexy as hell.

"Do you want me to be? Was that what you were trying to do? Make me jealous?" I ask as I move my lips mere inches from her own. I feel her suck in a sharp breath and her eyes close slowly. Her breathing becomes slower and I can tell she is fighting the urge to lean forward and capture my lips with hers. "You know that he can't make you feel the way I can. Can't get you to come in a matter of minutes..." I whisper in her ear as I take my right hand and cup her sex over her jeans. She moans and grinds down a little trying to get some friction where my hand is covering her. It's been three days since I've touched her... three days since she's been able to feel since she says she only does when she is with me. "You know I am the only one that can give you what you need," I say just as I move to capture her lips with mine but before I do I hear a gasp from down the hall near the front door. B's eyes shoot open and she pushes me back a bit from her forcing my hand to move.

"I'm... I'm... I'm sorry," Tara says before she turns and heads back to the kitchen, all with a knowing smile on her face.

"Tara, wait!" Buffy says as she tries to go after her but I grab her by the wrist and pull her back a little.

"Relax B... let her go," I say. She turns to me and now I know that I have pissed her off and I can almost see the wheels in her mind turning trying to decide if she should hit me or not. I knew I should have just kept my hands to myself! But it isn't my fault that she does this to me. I can't stand not touching her, being with her.

"Faith... I need to talk to her about what she saw..." she starts.

"She already knows B," I say before I think about it. As soon as the words leave my mouth I know just how stupid I am. I can feel her breathing become erratic and I see as she bites down on that bottom lip of hers. She flicks her wrist out of my grasp and immediately I feel a solid punch connect with my face and the blood come trickling down my cheek. I really need to learn to duck.

Chapter Ten

I know I have done a lot of bad things in my life. Things that are unforgivable, including murder and torture of innocent people. But no matter how bad those things were and how bad I feel about having done them, this moment is absolutely the worst feeling I have ever had in my life. Seeing the look in B's eyes as they fill with tears, tears that I have caused her. I should be angry, she did punch me after all... she is using me... but I can't be. She thinks I betrayed her trust, told Tara what the deal was between her and I. I know I didn't do that, that Tara just happened to figure it out, but B doesn't know that.

"B... I didn't tell her," I start to say before she holds her hand up watching as the rest of the gang comes running in from all parts of the house to the hallway to see what all the commotion is about.

"What's going on?" Xander asks only to get a death glare from B and a pleading look to shut up from me. He holds his hands up in front of his face in defeat and even takes a step back. I see the whole group turn and head back into the living room by the insistence from Tara, far enough away so they can't be in our line of sight but so they can still eavesdrop on what is going on. I turn my attention back to the woman in front me and reach out to grab her hand, getting her attention back on me.

"Don't touch me," she says as she tries to pull her hand away. But I use some strength and keep a hold of her. Her eyes are fixed on me again and it is like everyone else doesn't exist in that moment. It is just me and her and all the things that have happened, all the pain and anger and fear... none of it matters except for what is happening between her and I right here and now. I lock my hand with hers and entwine our fingers together. I can tell she isn't comfortable with it, but she doesn't try to pull away. The tears that she was holding back are slowly dripping from her eyes now and down her cheeks and she isn't doing a thing to stop them... and it's killing me inside.

"I didn't say anything... you have my word," I say quietly, almost in a whisper. The tears I am trying to hide are about to come to the surface and I know that if I cry right now I am going to leave myself more vulnerable than I want to. But something about this moment is screaming at me to tell her the truth. To tell her how much I love her and want more with her. "B... you have to believe me... she just figured it out," I say in that same soft tone. Her eyes are still locked on mine and the tears are covering her face now. I can't stop the ones I have been trying to push back anymore. They start to drip slowly from my own eyes and I can see the look on her face change to disbelief when they do. I can't help but smile at her shock and reach out with my other hand and use my thumb to wipe a few tears off her cheek.

"How?" Buffy asks me in such a small voice that I almost didn't know it was hers.

"How what?" I ask, confused. How am I crying? She can't seriously be asking me that. She is quiet for a minute before responding.

"How did she figure it out when I can't even figure it out myself," she says and asks all at the same time. She doesn't give me a chance to answer her though. "What is this between us Faith?" The tone in her voice almost comes out as pleading.

"What do you want it to be?" I ask through my tears as I take her other hand in my own. She flinches a little at the contact but it doesn't stop me. Nothing is going to stop me now. I have to tell her. I have let the floodgates back and the tears out to play so there is no better time than now.

"I don't know," she says and I can tell she desperately wants to ask why I am crying. She has never seen it from me and I know she is probably surprised that I even have the ability to do such a thing. No matter her nervous I am, I can tell that this is the moment. It's now or never. I suck in a deep breath and will myself to get through this.

"You may not know what you want but I know what I want. You may not believe me and I know you will never feel the same but I can't hold it in anymore B." She goes to move her mouth but I shake my head and she knows to not say another word. I let go of her hands and dig around in my pocket for the box, the bracelet I got her. I get a hold of it and use it as my courage to keep going forward. "What this is between us... I don't really know. I know that when I am with you I have never felt anything like it before. I have known for a long time how I truly feel and I have been so afraid to say it to you, but I am not anymore. I love you Buffy. I have been in love with you from the moment I saw you and I don't care anymore if you never speak to me again. As long as you know that this... whatever this has been between us... it isn't nothing. It was never nothing to me. It was always so much more." I finally pull the box out of my pocket and her eyes that have not changed at all since I started my little speech glance down at it. She still has that same confused look on her face, almost like she is just trying to take in all I have said to her. I feel the confidence I had start to slip away and I feel like I just need to get out of here. "I got this for you, for your birthday... you don't have to wear it... but I wanted you to know," I say as I place the box in her hand. I take her other hand to my mouth and place a light kiss on it before I turn and head straight out the door, without giving her a chance to respond or stop me. I hear Tara shouting my name from the doorway as I run down the street but I don't look back at her. I can't look back at her because even if I did, I wouldn't be able to see a thing with the tears that are covering my face.

I literally collapse when I get back to my apartment. I have cried more on the run home than I ever knew was possible and then when I fell onto my bed I cried some more. I don't even know why I am crying. Maybe it is because I put it all out there and I know that I have no chance. This is Buffy Summers. Miss-Buffy-stick-up my ass Summers. How is it even possible to be so in love with someone that I just want to hate? Who am I kidding? I have been in love with her from the first moment I saw her in that alley. I loved her when she was desperately trying to get me to turn myself in for killing Finch. I loved her just as much when she stuck that knife in my stomach and tried to kill me. I dreamt about her all those months I was in a coma, she was all I could think about even unconscious. Oh how I loved her, even when I was in her body and trying to ruin her life. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her that night in L.A. with Angel, I was ready to give in and let it be known, but she made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. But I still loved her. So much so that I went to jail at her insistence to atone for the crimes I committed. And not just for that. For the things I did to her... to her friends... her family. I never thought she would accept me back into her life. When she did let me back in, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would turn out how it has. The tears are slowly coming to a stop as my mind runs through all my thoughts. I promised myself that if I ever saw her again I would tell her the truth about how I felt, and I have finally done it. I told her I loved her, that I am in love with her. Now it's over.

I must have drifted off to sleep for a little while because when I come to my head is pounding. I didn't know crying made your head hurt like this. As I go to sit up I feel a presence in the room with me and glance to my left. It feels like my heart stops. She is sitting there on the window sill as beautiful as ever. Her hair is down and her eyes are a beautiful sea green. I can tell that she is nervous, she is breathing short quick breaths but I can't tell how long she has been here.

"Buffy... how long have you..."

"You were asleep. I didn't want to wake you," she says interrupting me. I notice now that she is holding the box in her hand... the one that holds the bracelet I got for her birthday. She sees me eyeing it in her hands. "Did you mean it?" The question catches me off guard and I sit up in the bed fully, smoothing out my hair. I feel the walls building back up inside of me.

"Mean what B?"

"What you said to me back there. Did you mean it?"

"Which part, I said a lot of shit," I say standing and heading toward the bathroom. She doesn't move from where she is perched on the sill. The walls around me that had started to crumble down with her are being rebuilt.

"Cut the shit Faith. You know what I'm talking about." She sounds irritated but I guess I have given her every right to be.

"It's not like it matters... if I mean it or not. You don't feel that way. You made it perfectly clear that this was just something to keep you entertained while you figured out how to live life again. That I meant nothing to you," I say defensively as I pace back and forth from the bed to the bathroom door and back again. I feel those tears welling up again and I do everything in my power to make sure I don't look at her. I didn't know one person had so many tears to cry. I try to push them back but I can't... I know I can't.

"Faith..." she starts but I don't let her finish.

"I wish I didn't mean it. I wish I hated you. I wish I could just let this be nothing more than a fuck between you and I and that it didn't mean so damn much to me. I wish I could stop feeling like this... it hurts so bad... it hurts so bad!" I practically scream at her as the tears flood my face. I see as she finally stands from the window and makes her way to me. I hold my arm out so she can't get too close and she stops about a foot from where I am standing. I have to pull myself together.

"Faith... please... I have listened to you so you can do me the same and listen to me," she says. But I don't want to. I don't need to hear her tell me she doesn't feel that way about me. I can't hear it without it breaking my heart into tiny pieces and there isn't much left to break now.

"Listen to what? To you tell me that it means nothing again? I've been there B, done that. I don't want to hear it again!" I scream. I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I collapse on the floor in front of her, tears flooding out of my eyes.

"Damnit Faith! Listen to me! I lied okay? I lied!" she exclaims just as she falls to the floor in front of me and wraps her arms around my body, holding me close to her. I can hear that she too is now crying. I try to stop the sobs from escaping but my body is in control and I can't get a hold of myself. "I was so afraid to tell you that it meant more to me than nothing. I thought that if I told you that you would run. I never knew how you felt," she says through her sobs and I don't think I really register anything she is saying to me for a good couple of minutes. As soon as it clicks in my mind though I pull away from her just enough to be able to look at her. Before I make eye contact I glance at her right hand and notice that the bracelet I got for her is clasped around her wrist. Our eyes meet in slow motion and that right hand comes up to cup my cheek. My tears stop and so do hers. I think I actually have stopped breathing at this point because I am not moving a muscle. "You left so quick tonight, I didn't get a chance to say anything..." she says in a whisper.

"What are you saying B? You are saying that it isn't nothing between us?" I ask back. My voice sounds like a child's. I am afraid of what she is going to say but I am hanging on every word despite it.

"No... it isn't nothing Faith. This thing between us... it's everything."

Chapter Eleven

I honestly can say that in this moment the earth is standing still. Her words are lingering in the air. I keep hearing the words over and over, repeating in my mind. Her arms are still wrapped tightly around my body and my face is buried in her shoulder. I can feel her hands rubbing up and down on my back and I am surrounded by her scent. I can hear her heart beating and she is nervous. She keeps whispering to me but I can't make out what she is saying because my head is in the clouds. I have no idea how long I have been down here on the ground with her surrounding me but I assume it's been a good amount of time because both of our tears have stopped and our breathing has evened out. I shift my body a little bit because my right leg is currently numb and I am starting to realize just how vulnerable I am at this moment...again. But I am not afraid of it anymore. Her words come back to me as my eyes find hers.

"There you are," she says with a soft smile as she rubs her hand on my cheek. I briefly smile back. "I have never seen you cry before," she whispers.

"Don't do it very often," I respond and my voice is raspy and shaky from all the tears I've shed. "At least not in front of people."

"Always the tough one," she chuckles. She stands up from where she has been sitting for I have no idea how long and reaches her hand out for me to take. I look at it for a minute and then lace my fingers in hers. She uses little effort in pulling me to my feet but I pop up and almost knock her over. Our lips are inches from each other and I feel like I am experiencing dйjа vu. "Faith..." she starts but I shake my head and hold my finger to her lips, brushing it over her little pout.

"It's my turn B. What you said... did you mean it?" Her eyes close and she sucks in a breath.

"More than anything."

"Good." I waste not a second. I replace my finger with my lips and they meet hers with a fierce passion. Her hands wrap around my waist and mine around hers as our tongues get reacquainted with one another. It feels like the first time all over again. I move my hands up further under her shirt toward her breasts, expecting a warm greeting only to get pushed back.

"Faith... I meant what I said... but..."

"But what B? I want this... I want everything with you," I say laying it all out on the line with her... again. I have already told her I love her, I have cried in front of her... I have shown her the real me... I don't know if there is another grand gesture out there I can make.

"Faith... just wait a minute... let's talk about this first." She takes another step back from me further distancing herself from my waiting embrace. My hands drop to my sides and my head falls to the floor, suddenly feeling that anger and rage that I have kept bottled up for so long. I knew that once she got a glance of the real me that there was no way she could love me.

"Talk about what? What is there to talk about? I already said all I need to say B." I manage to glance back up at her and see she too is staring at the floor. I can tell she is struggling to find the right words... words that she knows are going to hurt me.

"Can't we just go back to what we had... now that we both know what it means it can be just between you and me and no one has to know," she says with a little bit of timidness in her voice. I suck in a huge gulp of air because if I don't I could possibly lose control. My fingers bunch into fists at my side and I know she sees it because her eyes glance down at my hands and then quickly to my face. She can tell I'm pissed. She has seen this look on me many times before. Usually it is right before we embark on an all out war.

"No! We can't just go back! I don't want what we had before! I want you Buffy! I want to be with you and not have to hide how I feel anymore!" My voice is raised and she immediately gets in her defensive stance. She is biting on her bottom lip and I am actually a little glad that we are so far apart right now because I could easily block the right hook I know she wants to throw at me.

"You don't have to hide it Faith! I know what you feel and you know how I feel! Isn't that enough?"

"Are you ashamed of how you feel about me? Is that it?" She doesn't respond but I can tell by the change in her expression that I am pretty close in my guess. I laugh out loud when I finally figure it out in my head. "You don't want them to know. You think they won't understand... that it's just a phase because of what you are going through," I say through the laughter. She doesn't seem to find it as funny as I do because her hands are now bunched into fists by her side and she is tapping her right foot on the ground like she usually does when she is getting impatient and wants to get the fight finished... or in this case, started. "Is it just a phase B? Is that it? Or is it a little bit of both?"

"I am not ashamed Faith. And I am pretty sure it isn't just a phase... even though you are the only woman I've ever felt this way about... I am just not ready to..."

"Come out," I respond for her. She nods her head slightly. "We have nothing to be ashamed of! Your best friend has been out for years B! They were standing right there when I spilled my guts to you! They know what you mean to me... how much I love you!"

"It's not just that Faith. I am not ready to be in a relationship right now. I still have a lot of mending I need to do. I just starting getting back into the swing of things and I need to focus on my friends and my sister right now! I don't have time to try to make a relationship work!" If I had neighbors they would probably be calling the cops right now we are screaming so loud. I guess this is better than a physical fight though... that would really have the neighbors talking if we started throwing each other through walls... and I'm just about pissed enough to do that right now.

"That's bullshit B and you know it," I say retreating so I can rest my back up against the wall. I pull a cigarette out of my pocket and light it, blowing a huge puff of smoke out the already open window.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," she says quietly after a few minutes of silence.

"Too bad you aren't my girlfriend then, because if you were I might consider quitting for you," I retort and it sounds mean as hell. The old Faith has come to the surface once again.

"It doesn't have to be this way Faith. We can have our... thing... just behind closed doors, without any expectations or commitment," she tries to convince me as she inches closer to me. I can't help but shake my head and look down at my feet again. When I look up she is standing inches from me. I move to take another drag of my cigarette only to have it pulled from my lips and thrown out the window.

"Damnit B!"

"No smoking," she says, trying to sound playful. I don't want to play though. I am not going to be her little punching bag. Her secret affair. I can't do this anymore. I have laid it all out there for her to see and I now know she feels the same, so why can't I have happiness this once? She makes a move like she is going to kiss me but I shimmy away from her down the wall further only to get a glare in return. My willpower is holding strong right now but I know it is only a matter of time before I give in and let her use me once more.

"Without expectations or commitment it means nothing... just like you said before... it means nothing," I say slowly. She doesn't say anything back and I bite back the harsh words I want to shout at her. "You should go," I say firmly. She takes a step back from me and her green eyes meet my brown. She hesitates for a minute before she swings one leg over the window sill and stops, trying to lure me in with her gaze. I keep her stare but tell myself that I will not get lost in her eyes this time, like I so often do. I listen to the voice in my head telling me not to let her do this to me. After a good couple of minutes of just staring at each other like that, she swings the other leg out the window and perches on the sill for a second. I am so conflicted in this one instant. I desperately want to go to her, pull her to me and make sweet love to her until the sun comes up, when she will have to go back to her life, not caring that it isn't official between us. But I have to let her go. I have been B's play toy for far too long and enough is enough already. If she doesn't want to be with me other than behind closed doors and in the dark... then she doesn't want to really be with me. No matter what she says and no matter what my heart wants to believe.

"This isn't how I expected things to go tonight," she whispers.

"Me either," I say with a sad voice that shows how much pain I am in despite wishing I could hide it from her. With that she jumps out of the window to the ground and out of my sight.

I stay where I am standing with my back to the wall for a good hour. My mind is lost in the thoughts of what happened tonight and they keep replaying the evening over and over again. I thought I was all out of tears but as soon as I heard her feet hit the ground I found out there were still more locked away inside of me and they came out without any effort at all. When I have finally collected myself, I make my way with unsteady legs to my bed. I sit down and grab my cell phone off of the dresser, opening it and dialing without thinking. The number is so familiar to me that I don't even have to concentrate on it. They didn't let me keep a phone book in prison so I had to memorize the number. As soon as I hear a voice on the other end answer, I feel even more tears form in my eyes and wonder how it is possible for one person to make this many tears.

"It's me. I need you to come here. Please." I don't give the other person a chance to answer before I close the phone, clutching it to my chest. After a few seconds of trying to control my breathing and the tears that I thought I had long cried away I throw the phone as hard as I can across the room. It makes a loud bang as it hits the wall and shatters to a million pieces on the ground. Much like my heart. The difference is that I can replace my phone, but my heart, I don't know that it can ever be put back together... not without her.

Chapter Twelve

I wake up when I feel a cool cloth on my face. Before I even open my eyes I know who it is that is by my bedside but I struggle to open them anyway.

"How are you feeling?" Tara's soothing voice asks as I take in my surroundings. It is pitch dark outside and I am still fully clothed but comfortable on my bed.

"What happened?" is all I manage to choke out.

"I'm not really sure... I found you like this when I got here. I knocked for a good fifteen minutes before I just came in with the spare key you gave me. You've been out for an entire day, I was worried about you," she says as she still wipes the cloth on my face. I can read the concern in her eyes and I am sure she can read mine.

"How did you know?"

"Willow called after I left the party the other night. She said Buffy came home really late and went straight to her room, that she wouldn't talk to anyone. I knew then that I should come check on you so I came right over."

"You shouldn't have walked here alone at night T... it isn't safe," I say as I sit up further in the bed and relax against the headboard. "But thank you." The memories of the events from the night before hit me all at once and I feel the pain surge through my chest and heart. I wince as I hold back the tears.

"It's going to work out," she says when she sees the tears building. I hate how I can't stop these things from flooding me now that I have let them loose once. I bite my lower lip still struggling to hold back the tears, knowing it's a battle I won't win. As the tears come to the surface and make their escape she wraps her arms around me and pulls me to her chest. "Shhhh... shhhh... Faith it's going to be alright," she whispers as I snake my arms around her and hold on for dear life, the pain taking over all control of my mind, body and soul.

When I wake up for the second time I am alone. I can hear voices in the kitchen, one of which I know is Tara's and the other I can't seem to place. I keep my eyes shut and focus all of my attention on the voices in the other room.

"She's struggling with this and I'm not sure I know what to do," Tara says to the mystery guest.

"She called me the other night. Told me she needed me here as soon as possible. I never imagined this was why though," I hear the voice of the other person say. It is a deeper voice than Tara's but seems farther away from some reason, almost muffled.

"I'll go get her, hopefully she'll wake up easily this time. She's only been asleep for about ten minutes," Tara says and I hear her footsteps heading toward the bedroom where I am still laying. At least I didn't pass out for another day. I didn't know crying could be so exhausting. I open my eyes when I hear the blonde haired witch inch open my bedroom door.

"I'm awake," I say before she can even fully get in the room.

"Oh good. Someone is here to see you," she says and she flashes me a small smile. I smile back, even though it feels like torture and stand, following her out to the kitchen.

"Where?"

"At the door," she says pointing as she heads back to the kitchen sink. I take a second to glance around. She has been cleaning. Leave it to Tara to use a time like this to clean my place up. She is currently washing the last of the dirty dishes. I make my way to the front door wondering why Tara didn't just let whoever it is inside. It is still slightly open, just a crack, but I can't see who is on the other side. I open it slowly, almost like I am afraid of it being her. I am not ready to see her. I can't see her now... I don't know what I would say and I don't know that I could tell her to leave again. But it isn't her, and I won't have to do that. I release a breath I didn't even know I was holding when I see the figure in front of me. The only other person in this entire world who knows exactly what I'm going through right now.

"Angel," I say trying to sound as up beat as possible. "Come in." I guess it makes sense why T didn't just let him in. Tara can't invite him into a place that isn't hers. I smile as he steps over the threshold. It has been a while since I've seen him... before I was released from prison. But no matter how long it's been... I know I can always count on him.

"Good to see you Faith," he says as I shut the door behind him. I take a moment to study him as he stands there just in the apartment. He is wearing his signature black pants, black shirt and long black coat. He looks exactly the same... but I guess he should... he doesn't age after all.

"You too," I say turning to the kitchen table and taking a seat. He pulls out a chair and sits next to me. It is quiet for a minute between us and all I can hear is the sounds of dishes being put away from a few feet away where Tara is finishing up.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"You called... sounded pretty upset," he says. I start to wonder just how much Tara told him when the memory of me dialing his number and throwing the phone across the room comes back to me. I chuckle at the visual of my phone shattering against the wall.

"I know... I'm sorry about that," I say quietly.

"How's Buffy?" My head shoots up at the mention of her name and he can't help but smile at the response.

"I take it you told her how you feel?"

"What do you think?"

"Honestly... until I got here I thought it was more of an apocalypse problem. It wasn't until Tara told me what happened that I ... well ... I guess I never thought you would actually tell her... so... I am not prepared for this conversation," he says. In the number of years I have grown to know Angel, I have learned to respect and trust him far more than I ever thought possible. He has helped me out more than anyone else. Helped me find my own redemption for the things I have done and helped me figure out my feelings for Buffy. If anyone can help me right now... prepared or not... it's going to be him.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but the world is still turning," I say with a little chuckle. He doesn't laugh with me because he has never been one with the humor. Before either of us can continue Tara makes her way out of the kitchen toward the table and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm going to head home sweetie, you call me if you need anything alright?" I nod in response to her and give her hand a squeeze. "It's good to see you Angel," Tara says as she walks by him. He nods in her direction but doesn't say a word.

"Thanks Tara... I will call you later." She doesn't look back but I can almost hear the smile on her face as she opens the door and makes her way out, shutting it softly behind her. I relax in my chair when I hear her leave and wait. I know he is going to have questions.

"What happened Faith?" See, I told you it would come. What surprises me more is that just like that I tell him the entire story from the beginning. I tell him about what it was like to find her on that tower, a memory I haven't revisited for a good long while. I talk about the mixed signals she sent me along the way and the fights and even the sex. He never says a word. He just sits there quietly listening to me and sometimes nodding his head or possibly making a grunting noise. He doesn't even squirm when I talk about the sex like I thought he would. He is doing a really good job of pretending he doesn't care about her like I know he does. Maybe I should get lessons from him... lessons in not caring I mean. When I am finished with my story I look at him and wait for a reply.

"So... you walked away from her?"

"I didn't walk away! She didn't want me Angel! She made that choice not me!" I yell.

"So what are you going to do now? Walk away for good?" His tone never changes despite how loud I am getting.

"That's why I called you! I am so confused and I don't know what is the right thing to do!"

"I don't know what you want me to say Faith... do you want me to tell you that it was supposed to be easy? That all of this is supposed to be easy? That it won't hurt for you to walk away from her? Because I can't do that. I know better than anyone how hard it is to love this woman and to walk away from that love. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But if you believe it is the right thing... then it is the right thing, for you."

"Was it the right thing for you? Do you regret walking away from her and moving when you did?" He is quiet again for a minute, almost contemplating the question. I know it is a sore subject for him but I have to know. I have always wanted to know how he truly felt about what went down between them... how he felt then... how he feels about her now... after all is said and done.

"No regrets Faith. I love Buffy, you know that. I always will love her. But it was the right thing for both of us. She didn't love me the way I love her... even if she thought she did. Even if I wanted her to. She deserves someone better than me... she deserves someone who can give her the world... and I suppose I knew that even though it hurt." His response is monotone and I wonder if he has the same type of feelings as us humans do because it seems so robotic the way he said he loves her and always will. I like to believe that when I told her I loved her it was full of passion and emotion... nothing like the way he just said the words.

'She loved you Angel... I know she still does," I say trying to reassure him. I'm not sure why I feel I need to do it, but I don't want to see him hurt any more than he wants to see me in pain.

"I know she loves me... in some ways. But I also know she is in love with someone else."

"You don't know that... you are just trying to make me feel better. Besides... she never said she loved me. She only said it meant something."

"Actually... you told me she said it meant everything... not something... everything. And I didn't say she was in love with you." He chuckles a little and when he sees the glare I give him he holds his hand up and his smile fades. "She loves you Faith."

"Whatever big guy." I don't know why but talking with him has helped calm me down a little. I feel at ease with the situation, at least more so than I did just a little while ago. "Have you seen her?" I ask, wondering if he stopped by to see her before coming to the apartment.

"Does it matter?" he asks.

"Is that a yes?"

"No." I am a little surprised when he says the word. I was sure he would make a stop to the house and see her and the gang first. After all, the last time he saw B was just after she was back and he hasn't seen Dawnie for a lot longer than that. I found out after the fact that she had gone to see him. They met somewhere between L.A. and here, but she wasn't gone very long. He didn't tell me what they talked about and either did she once she finally admitted to seeing him, but I could tell that the conversation wasn't the easiest for him. He seemed guarded about it. We haven't talked much since Buffy was brought back to life, but he has checked in from time to time since Giles moved back to England.

"Are you going to see her?"

"I think it's best if she doesn't even know I'm here," he says and I know how hard it must be for him.

"Thank you for coming Angel... I mean it... I feel a lot better just talking to someone about everything," I say standing from where I am sitting and make my way to the kitchen for a much needed drink.

"You have people you can talk to Faith... you are their friend too now remember."

"I know that... and I'm grateful for them. But you are the only other person in this world that knows just what it's like to be in love with Buffy Summers," I say quietly as I pour the whisky in a glass. He doesn't deny it, but he doesn't have to because I know it's the truth.

"What are you going to do?" he asks, shaking me from my thoughts and bringing me back to the table.

"I don't know... maybe it's time that I just walk away like you. Maybe it's for the best," I say, sitting back in my seat.

"If you decide that is what is best for you, you know that you always have a place with me and mine in L.A.," he says reassuringly and placing a hand on my shoulder. I glance up at him and smile. He really is a good friend and mentor and I am thankful that he believed in me and stuck by my side through everything.

"Thanks man... I'll let you know."

He didn't stay much longer after that. We said our goodbyes and I walked him out, promising to call him in a day or so with what I was going to do. I glance around the room once I have let him out, looking at everything around me. None of it is mine... it all came with the apartment and the only possessions I have are clothes and weapons. I get back to the bedroom and sit on the bed, wishing I could make the scent that is Buffy disappear. It is overwhelming. I notice the one and only book I own in the nightstand drawer that is slightly open, Island of the Blue Dolphins. Dawn had to read it for school and she had to do a book report on it. She was struggling with it so I got myself a copy and read it too so I could help her out. Turns out it is a pretty good book. I pull it out of the drawer and flip it to the back cover glancing at the words. When I do something falls from the pages and onto my lap. I put the book back in the drawer and grab the fallen item, sucking in a huge breath. It is the picture. The one I took from B's room and had kept with me since then. I trace my fingers over her face and her smile. We looked really happy then. It makes me wonder if we will ever be that happy again near each other. After everything that's happened... I don't think we could ever be now. I let out a huge sigh as I put the picture back in the drawer and lay back on the bed. I close my eyes and realize that I know what I have to do... even if it will kill me. I have to move on.

Chapter Thirteen

I am sitting at the dining room table at the head of the table. Red is on my right and Tara is next to her. Dawnie is on my left and Xander and Anya are next to her. B is at the other head of the table and all eyes are on me. I just dropped a bomb on them.

"What do you mean... leaving?" Red asks me as I fidget in my chair.

"B's back now... there is no reason to have both slayers here. So I am going to go to L.A. and help out Angel and his team... they can use all the help they can get," I say quietly, still fidgeting.

"So can we," Xander says trying to sound convincing. "We can always use an extra pair of super human strength hands."

"Faith... are you... are you sure this is what you want?" Tara asks me and it is quiet once again. She is looking right at me and I can tell she knows the real reason I want to leave. She has seen the pain in my eyes the past couple of days. Things are going well with her and Red. I guess she realized how much she wanted to work things out when she saw how bad things were with me and B and she has moved back into the house again. They are taking things slow, but so far it seems like everything is looking up for them. So I guess everything that happened between B and I wasn't for nothing if it helped them get back together. The others haven't exactly said anything to me about what happened that night, but I can tell that they heard me. If what I said bothered or shocked them, they aren't acting like it. If anything, I would go out on a limb and say they were rooting for things between B and I to work out. But after telling them I am going to leave, it is obvious that is not going to happen now.

"I think it's best," I say taking a minute to look directly at B. She looks away almost immediately, afraid to look me in the eye.

"But I will come visit... and I will keep in touch by phone," I say trying to appease the sadness in the room. We really have become a family and it will kill me to walk away from all of these people. I just can't stay around with B here knowing what happened and what we could have had. I don't want to hurt her anymore and I don't think I could live through her hurting me any more either.

"We don't want you to go, but we will support you if that's what you want," Red says to me, speaking for the group as a whole. There are head nods from the other Scoobies, with exception of B and Dawnie. I didn't even think about how she was going to take this. If I were smart I would have had a separate conversation with her. I grab Dawn's hand on the table next to me and look at her directly in the eye.

"I am just a phone call and a few hours away Dawnie... I am not leaving forever," I say quietly. I remember what I told her and I know that she is going to be pretty pissed at me for this. But she is just a kid and she doesn't understand why. I can't explain it to her either. I think if I could she would see this was for the best... but it is difficult to explain it to anyone. Her eyes swell with tears when I say the words to her but she manages to push them back and pulls her hand away, pushing her chair over as she stands with a jump.

"Whatever... is the meeting over... can I go upstairs now?" she asks as she looks at B.

"Dawn... please," I say as I stand and try to get her to look at me again. She doesn't move her eyes from her sister.

"I don't want to hear it," she responds. Her voice is angry and hurt and the way she says it sends a chill down my spine. There is nothing I can do and I know that. This is Dawn after all and if she got anything from being a part of this crazy group, she got the stubbornness. The others just stare at her and wait for B's response. Buffy merely nods her head at her younger sister before Dawn takes off running up the stairs. I hear her bedroom door slam and then music blaring a few short seconds later. I smile at the response.

"She will take some time to come around," Tara says calmly. "It isn't easy for her... for any of us." There is nothing I can do but flash a sweet smile at Tara and sit back down.

"When are you leaving?" The question from B startles me out of my quiet place and everyone looks over at her. It is the first thing she's said since we sat down for this little meeting and the first time she has really said much of anything to me since the night of her birthday. I think she came by a couple of times, coming over to my house at night but I stayed strong. I locked the window so she couldn't just get in and I know it was her knocking on my door in the middle of the night. I never answered and eventually after three nights she just stopped trying.

"I think the sooner the better," I say. She glances back down at the table. "I was thinking Friday."

"As in two days from now Friday?" Xander asks slightly shocked. I didn't give them much notice I guess but I figured it would be easier and I wanted to just get the hell out of here and not look back. Other than the faces staring back at me from around the table and the girl I love like a sister probably crying her eyes out upstairs, there is nothing to keep me here. Though I have to admit that when I put it like that it makes the decision to leave seem like the wrong one.

"Yeah." There is no response from anyone and we all just sit around the table quietly for a little bit. I see the others as they keep glancing at Buffy and then back to the table like they want her to say something to stop me. I know they are just dying to call her out for the way she is acting right now. I can tell that they are blaming her for me leaving and they shouldn't be. This isn't all her fault... it is just the way it is.

"I am going to get going... start packing. Tell Dawn that I will come by on Friday before I leave to say goodbye," I say standing from my seat and heading toward the coat rack where my jacket has been hung. The others, except for B stand and follow me to the door.

"We will all be here then... Friday. We can have one last group dinner. We all want to say goodbye Faith," Tara says as she wraps me up in a hug. I hug her back and can feel a slight bit of pain in my heart when I think about saying goodbye to these people. But there is no turning back now.

The rest of the day comes and goes in a blur. I spend only about an hour replacing my phone that I had shattered and the rest packing away the few items that are my personal belongings. After that I started drinking... mostly to give me the strength to do this... to make the pain go away... pain that takes over when I think about not seeing her everyday. Not kissing her... not touching her... not fighting with her... not looking into her beautiful green eyes. I have just started on my second bottle of the night when I hear a quiet knock at the front door. I shuffle my feet over to get it, looking at the clock as I do. It is late... I can't imagine who could be behind the door. For a brief second I think it could be her... and my heart jumps into my throat.

"Faith? Are you in there?" Dawns voice calls out from behind the door. As soon as I hear it I am to the door in an instant, despite the alcohol in my system. I fling it open faster than I probably should and it makes her jump slightly when I do.

"Dawnie," I say as I pull her into the apartment. "What are you doing out by yourself this late at night?" I ask looking around the hallway of the complex to see if anyone came along with her. There is no one, not a single person around and I have to stop myself from slamming the door shut out of anger. "What's the matter with you! You know better than that!" I say spinning around to face her after the door has shut and been locked again.

"Please don't be mad... I wanted to talk to you... I... I tried to call... but..."

"Does anyone know you are here?"

"Uh... no... I... uh... I snuck out my window," she says almost in a whisper. I let out a huge sigh and set down the bottle of whisky on the table as I reach for the phone. "What are you doing?" Dawn asks as she lunges at me, probably forgetting that I'm a slayer and she is nothing more than a teenage girl. I hold the phone out of her reach and dial the number I know.

"Calling Tara to let her know where you are... she is going to send someone to come pick you up, I don't want you walking home, it isn't safe," I say as she settles down and takes a seat on the couch. I keep my eyes on her the entire time I am on the phone with Tara. She didn't sound too surprised that Dawn snuck out to see me, but she said she would come and pick her up in about an hour, giving up time to talk some things out. I grabbed the bottle of whisky as I made my way to the couch with her after the phone call.

"Tara will come pick you up in about an hour," I say taking a sip. Dawn keeps her eyes on me at all times but she doesn't say anything. "So what's up Dawnie?"

"You promised me Faith," she says and her voice is strained. I can tell she has been crying just by looking at her and it makes me want to cry myself.

"I know what I promised you D... but you don't understand..."

"I don't understand how you are in love with my sister but she's too stupid to admit she feels the same way so you are going to walk away from us all," she says and it is bitter and angry. Like I said, she has always been good at eavesdropping and I am a moron for thinking she was the only one who didn't hear the exchange that took place between B and I that night.

"You don't know what you're talking about," I say calmly as I take another sip from the bottle. Dawn snatches it out of my hand and violently sets it on the table beside her. "What the hell Dawn!" She doesn't hand it back, she only moves it further out of my reach.

"What am I wrong about? How you feel about Buffy? How stupid she is being? The reason you are really leaving? What?"

"This is what is best for everyone Dawnie... I know you don't see that now, but... one day... when..."

"Don't you dare say when I am older Faith! Don't you dare start treating me like a little kid now, you never have before!"

"Dawn..."

"No... what's best for me... what's best for everyone... what Buffy really needs, is you!" My head falls to look at the floor, finding the anger in her eyes too hard to bear. "Can't even look at me now huh?" My eyes dart right back up to her.

"Watch your mouth! You have no right to talk to me like that!"

"And you have no right to lie to me! To break your promise and run away because things are difficult! I thought you were different!"

"I am! You don't understand!" I shout standing from my spot on the couch and grabbing the bottle from the table quickly before she had a chance to stop me. I take a huge gulp and feel the liquid burn down my throat, calming me. She stands too, and she crosses her arms over her chest, shifting her weight so most of it is on her right and she is tapping her left food, death glare on her face. She looks exactly like her sister right now.

"I don't understand, I will never understand Faith... explain it to me," she says more quietly.

"I... I... I can't," is all I can reply in practically a whisper.

"Then you aren't the person I thought you were," she says back, her voice filling with that anger and pain once more. "I am going to wait for Tara in the hall downstairs... don't follow me," she says standing from her seat and making her way to the door. I know I should stop her... I owe it to her to tell her the truth and she means too much to me to let her just walk out of here. But I don't move, and I just find myself falling back into my spot on the couch and watching as she walks out the door, never looking back. I pinch my eyes shut when she slams the door behind her and sigh.

"I'm sorry Dawnie," I whisper. Only the room is empty and the words are lost in the air. Somehow I've managed to lose both Summers women. I guess there really is no turning back now.

Chapter Fourteen

The day has come and I have my little box of things packed up. I have walked slowly to the house on Revello Drive in the early evening. I told them I would come over for dinner, say goodbye and then I will go back to my place, lock up and head to the station. I don't know what this is going to be like but I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Tara stopped by earlier today and helped me get cleaned up from my drunken state. She tried to talk some sense into me, get me to talk to Buffy and make things work out between us. She has always been an optimistic thinker, but I know better. I am worried about Dawn though. Tara told me she was still really upset when she got home last night from my place... that she was taking it harder then they all thought she would and that she hadn't even left her room since. I knew it was going to be rough on Dawn, but I also know she is strong and she can get through this. She's been through a lot worse. Besides, I'm not leaving forever, I can always come and visit her if she needs me or she can come to L.A. and visit me and Angel. I will miss her though. I never thought I would get so close to her, but now that I have it is hard to imagine my everyday life without her in it. The rest of them too. Red was always there to keep me believing in myself. She really believed that I could do a great job as the slayer and that I could be a leader and to be honest, it was nice to be accepted after all these years. Tara has been a huge support system for me, always encouraging me to keep pushing through the hard times and keep going. I never thought I would be able to say this, but she has become something like my best friend and I don't know how I could have lived through these past months without her. Xander and Anya were always great company. They never failed to make me laugh. So much so that I find myself laughing out loud just thinking of them. I am so lost in thought that I didn't even notice I was standing in front of the path that led up to the house. I close my eyes and suck in a deep breath and let it out before opening them and heading up the path to the door. Here goes nothing.

Dinner was amazing. We all just sat around the table and talked and hung out. Dawn and B even came down to dinner, after a lot of convincing from Tara and Red, and it was nice to feel like we were all a family again. Buffy had been polite, but she made sure not to look at me too much or really say much directly to me. Dawn was trying her hardest to stay strong and not break down in tears, but I knew that it was going to come. The others were just glad to have one good night before I left. It was bittersweet though. A night like this just made the decision I had already made harder. It was taking everything I had not to break into tears myself. The pain and anticipation of saying goodbye was killing me. But I knew that this is what was best. I can't stay here and ruin her life any longer. I have done everything I can and my job is done now. The rest is up to her.

"I guess I should be going... don't wanna miss my bus," I say quietly as I stand from my seat as the chatter dies down. The dishes had been cleared and rinsed hours ago and I had already stayed longer than I had intended. I thought it would be easy to eat and run, but I was sadly mistaken.

"Are you sure you can't stay a little longer?" Red asks, standing from her seat and the others follow her lead.

"I wish I could, but Angel won't be too happy if I don't get on the bus he paid all that money for me to have a ticket on," I say with a little chuckle as I make my way to the front door. I grab my coat from its place and put it on. When I turn around the rest of the group is standing in the doorway, much like they were when I moved out to my own apartment.

"Okay... have a good trip then," Red says as she embraces me in a hug. I can tell she is using a lot of her own strength to keep from showing her pain. We really had become quite the team and it feels weird to know that right here and now it is going to end.

"I will... and thank you Willow," I say quietly in her ear while we are hugging. She pulls away from me with a smile.

"You called me Willow." The shock in her voice is apparent.

"Figured it was time," I say laughing slightly. She takes a step back and I hug Anya briefly before Xander steps forward and throws his arms around me. He almost knocks the wind out of me with the strength he uses to hug me and I am little surprised he had that kind of strength in him. I always did underestimate him though. I learned pretty quickly that he was not the same boy I knew when we were younger. He certainly could hold his own in a fight and wasn't afraid to get in there to protect our little family.

"Don't forget you have to be back here for our wedding... you are my best man or I guess best woman, after all," Xander says. I pat him on the back and he releases me.

"I wouldn't miss it," I say truthfully and he seems satisfied with my response. Tara steps forward and wraps her arms carefully around me. I instantly feel that calming feeling she always provides me.

"I will miss you Faith," she says in a whisper. I can feel my eyes tearing up. This woman has done more for me than she will ever know and I know that I have found a lifelong friend in her. After all I put her through when I met her for the first time... when I was in B's body... I still can't believe she has the grace and poise to care about me the way she does. She is truly one of the best people I have ever known.

"You have no idea how much I will miss you," I respond.

"You keep in touch you understand me? You call anytime... everyday if you want."

"I will T, I promise. Take care of them for me, take care of her," I whisper and then back away from our hug. She nods her head knowing that I was referring to Buffy. I turn and immediately Dawn is wrapped around my waist.

"Please don't go Faith, please," she is sobbing quietly into my shoulder. I can feel the pain coming off of her in waves as she continues to beg me to stay. It breaks my heart to see her like this and my eyes water as I pull her back and look at her.

"I am always here Dawn, always," I say pointing to her heart. "Anytime you need anything you can all me. I will be back in the blink of an eye," I say reassuringly. She nods her head but the tears still slip down her face. A part of me can't stand to see her in pain... to know that I am the one that is causing it and it makes me want to stay. But I find that courage inside of me as I wipe a stray tear of hers away with my thumb and pull her forward and kiss her softly on the forehead. "And you can come visit anytime you want as long as big sis gives you the okay," I say which gets a smile out of her. She backs up and Tara wraps her arms around Dawn in a protective manner. At least I know that Tara is back around to keep Dawn safe. I look at B who is sitting quietly on the stairs.

"See ya B," I say as I put my hand on the doorknob. She doesn't say anything, she just nods her head and gives me a little smile which is obviously forced. I can tell the others are uncomfortable with her goodbye but I wasn't expecting much more from her. I won't pretend that this is easy for her either. But this is what is best for her... what is best for me. I know that me leaving might be hard now, but in the end it will give Buffy the chance to live the life she was living before all of this happened. Before she died... before she was brought back... before she knew how much I love her. I suddenly understand Angel a thousand times more as the pain hits my gut and then my heart and takes up a permanent residence there.

"Alright... I'll call you when I get there," I say as I open the door and take my first step out of the house. I am only a few steps outside before I hear her voice.

"Faith..." Buffy says as she stands from the stairs. I flip my head around to face her and the others do the same. We are all a little surprised that she even said anything to me.

"Yeah B?" There is a long pause and no one says a word, hell, I don't think anyone is even breathing at this point as they look from me to her and back again. I can see the desperation in their eyes but what surprises me more is the desperation I see in hers. I have seen her look a thousand different ways... I have been lost in her eyes more times than I can count and I have never ever seen her look the way she looks right now.

"Nothing... never mind," she says sitting back down on the steps again as the look fades and turns back to one of indifference. The others let out a huge sigh collectively and I can feel their frustration. Dawn looks like she wants to scream but all I can do is look back at B and smile knowingly at her. I get it, I really do. There are a lot of things that are unspoken between us. She knows it and so do I. Maybe someday we will get a chance to talk about them but today is not going to be the day, no matter how many people want it to be that way. But I can't take my eyes off of her and right now, she can't seem to let my stare go either. It is a moment, and it is brief, but something inside of me is telling me to run up to her and kiss her right here and now. Forget about where we are and what has happened and take that one last kiss that I so desperately want and need to make it through this. One for the road in a sense. But I know that if I kiss her now I will never want to stop... and it will do nothing but hurt everyone a whole hell of a lot more. So I bite my tongue and look away, pushing the feeling aside and turn back around.

"Bye guys," I say as I head down the path and into the night, not looking back. The gut wrenching pain is back and I bury it deep in my gut where I know it will have to live from this moment on. I came here to protect the Hellmouth while B was gone... and I did my job. I came here to take care of the gang... and I did my job. I made it my own personal mission to help B get back on the right track... and although I know she still has a long way to go, I know that she is on the right path now. I promised myself I would one day tell her how I felt about her... that I would be able to apologize and be a part of their little world, and I did. I told her I loved her... and I meant every single word. Now it was time to move onto a new chapter in my life... a chapter without Sunnydale, without the Scoobies... without Buffy Summers.

Chapter Fifteen

I have been sitting in this god forsaken bus station for over an hour now. My bus of course had to be delayed. I didn't even know it was possible for buses to get delayed. It is like the powers knew how hard it is for me to still be sitting here, how much I want to just give in and go find her. My mind is mixed with thoughts and emotions as I sit in the uncomfortable chair staring at the gloomy night through the window. The sound of my cell ringing brings me out of my thoughts of nothing as I reach into my pocket and glance at the caller id. It makes me smile.

"Hey Dawnie, miss me already?" I ask when I answer.

"You aren't already on the bus are you?" Her voice sounds strained and a little rushed which instantly has me alert.

"No why? My bus is delayed. What's up? Everything alright?"

"Fine... well... actually... I um... you um..."

"Dawnie spit it out you're making me nervous," I say trying not to be on edge. A lot of thoughts of things going wrong start to rush my brain. I haven't even left yet. I subconsciously start putting things back into my bag.

"You forgot something," I hear a voice say from directly behind me. The sound of it makes my heart ache and I would recognize it anywhere. I stand and flip around only to find myself face to face with B herself. My eyes quickly scan the station. The rest of the group is standing off in the distance, Tara and Red holding hands and Xander with one arm around Dawn and the other around Anya in what I can only say is a protective manner. I can't help but laugh a little as I snap the phone shut seeing Dawn do the same with hers as she shoots me a soft smile. My eyes make their way back to the little blonde woman in front of me.

"What's that B?" I ask as she makes her way to where I am standing. I can't keep my eyes locked on hers though... but I let my eyes glance over to Tara who has a grin on her face and tears in her eyes. It makes my heart race with the possibilities of what this could mean. I glance at Xander who looks out of breath while he struggles to hold tight to both Dawn and Anya who are both breathing heavy as well... Dawn looks like she has been crying since I left, and then to Red who looks like she is completely drained both physically, emotionally and magically speaking. My eyes find Buffy again quickly as she gets within arms distance of me. She doesn't say anything to me she just holds her hand out and I look down at what she is handing me. It is the picture. The one of her and I that I took from her room and kept with me since I had returned to Sunnydale. I take it from her grasp, staring at her in the picture and trying to freeze the image in my mind even though I know I could never forget it. I had left the picture on my bed in the apartment when I left. I just couldn't stand to bring it with me and have it be a reminder of what we could have been. I don't know how she got it... but I have a feeling that isn't the only question I am going to have right about now. My heart is pounding when I finally look back up and into her eyes. She has tears in them and I can tell she is trying hard not to cry.

"Thanks B... but this is yours... I took it from you before." I try to hand it back to her but she shakes her head and moves even closer to me without taking the picture from me.

"I don't want a picture of you Faith," she says and the words sting in my chest despite the look in her eyes. "I want you." I lock my eyes with hers. Her hands are shaking and she has tears running down her cheeks as she grabs my free hand with her own.

"B... what..."

"No, please listen... please don't leave."

"But why B? Nothing has changed... you said you weren't ready..."

"I was wrong. When I said that I wasn't ready to be with you in a relationship right now I didn't know that would mean I could never be with you. That we could never be an us. I was scared Faith... I still am. But I made a mistake and I am here to ask you to give me a second chance." Her hand was still holding tightly to mine and she was looking deep in my eyes, almost like she was expecting to find all the answers hidden behind them. And she just might.

"A second chance huh?" Cue that beautiful smile of hers that makes me melt. "I've been given a few of those of my own." I say and she giggles a little as she nods her head, which breaks out my own little smile. I reach my hand up and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, lingering my fingers on her cheeks. I can tell she is still on edge, nervous about what I am going to do, but I am lost in the moment with her. Lost in her eyes and all I can see behind them is desire and love. I lean forward hesitantly and give her a soft, slow kiss, one that is full of those unspoken words. But before it can become anything more, the intercom overhead shatters the moment, as something always seems to do.

"We will now being boarding our bus number 212 to Los Angeles, we are sorry for the delay!" the words blare out of the speakers. I jerk my eyes over to the group that I have just now remembered are standing in the background. They have seen everything, heard everything. The pleading words from their fearless leader and the kiss full of promises that no words could ever compare to. But if I know these people like I think I do, I would place a good amount of money that they had a lot to do with making this moment happen.

"Faith... please," Buffy says and it sounds stern but scared, terrified even. I keep my eyes fixed on her as I take my phone in my hand and dial a familiar number. Buffy looks worried and confused as I dial but for the first time in a long time I feel like I know exactly what I am doing.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me... change of plans," I say into the phone and I can see the look of relief in Buffy's eyes. "I think I am going to stay." I hear the others in the background cheer a little bit to themselves and B's muscles relax while her eyes sparkle.

"I figured you would... you should thank Willow for working her magic to get that bus of yours delayed," Angel says on the other end of the phone. I can't help but glance over at the red-haired witch when he says the words. No wonder she looks so drained. She did this for me... for Buffy... for us, despite knowing that using magic was probably not in her best interest right now. I want nothing more than to close the phone and embrace the woman I love but more words of love and reassurance follow from the other end. "You are the one that can give her the world. Love her Faith... take care of her... of all of them," he finishes.

"I will big guy. I will for the rest of my life," I say in the phone before snapping it shut and pulling the girl of my dreams into a huge hug.

"You will what?" she questions quietly with her face buried in my shoulder.

"I promised to give you the world... to love you forever... I love you B," I whisper back. She pulls back from the hug and digs her fingers through my hair, pulling me so I am inches away from her lips.

"I love you too Faith." Our lips crash together in a mind blowing kiss. This one leaves nothing to the imagination and we both seem to forget where we are when my hands find her ass and squeeze slightly. She hops up and wraps her legs around my waist, our lips never leaving one another.

"Oh... gross... I think I'm going to be traumatized for life!" I hear Dawn shout from where she is standing a few yards back. B smiles into the kiss and I let her stand on her own two feet slowly, releasing each other from the passionate kiss we were sharing. The others start to make their way towards us and that is the only thing that brings me out of the little world I am lost in with B. Dawn's arms are wrapped around me in an instant and she has tears coming from her eyes yet again.

"Don't cry D... I'm staying... I'm staying now," I say as I rub her back a little bit. She pulls back from the hug and has a huge smile on her face despite the tears.

"These are happy tears silly!" I glance at B and she smiles back at me. As soon as Dawn sees us look at one another she pounces on B and wraps her up in a hug much similar to the one I was in just a minute ago with her. They are whispering to each other and I try to listen but instead am almost knocked over by Xander and Anya hugging me at the same time.

"Good to have you back Faith," Xander says as he backs up and slaps my shoulder a little bit.

"What he said," Anya says with enthusiasm. They back up a bit and Tara and Willow make their way to me. Tara's eyes speak volumes but Willow is the first to embrace me.

"She needs you Faith... we all need you," she says quietly. I glance over at B to see if she is paying attention to what is going on but she is caught in a group hug with her sister and Xander.

"Thank you for what you did... you know, delaying the bus and everything," I whisper as quietly as I can so no one else can hear. She nods her head.

"It was worth it... and...it will be our secret," she whispers back with a grin. Tara steps forward as soon as Red backs away and slowly puts her arms around me. I find myself burying my face in her shoulder and I let out a relieved sigh.

"Thank you Tara... for whatever you said to her," I say as quiet as possible because now I know that everyone is looking at us.

"I didn't do anything Faith. You did. You love her the way she deserves to be loved and all she needed was someone to help her see that," she says as she steps back and lets B grab my hand, entwining our fingers together. I turn a little so I can see into her eyes and they are full of love and hope for the future.

"Let's go home," she says softly. Xander claps his hands together and we all turn toward the parking lot. Everyone starts on their own conversation, Dawn trying to call shotgun and Anya arguing with her about it. Tara and Red are hand in hand in front of B and I and they keep whispering soft words into one another's ears. I look down at my hand that is holding tightly to hers, almost afraid to let go. This is home now. I can't imagine anything better.

"Is this really happening B?" She stops walking and the others either don't notice, or they don't care. They keep right on going. She turns so she can face me and she is holding both of my hands in hers.

"Mmmm... it sure is. I'm sorry it took me so long," she says as she stands on her tip toes a little and her lips meet mine. I can't help but close my eyes and smile as we kiss and think about how lucky I am for the second chance to be with the woman of my dreams. We break the kiss and start walking again trying to catch up to the others... our family... so we can go home... together. I have never felt this good in my entire life. No matter all the struggles we both went through to get here... all the pain and tears and mixed signals... no matter how long it took us both to get to this place. No matter how many second chances we both needed. I look over at B as she walks with the biggest smile on her face I have ever seen and if possible I fall in love with her all over again. Yeah... she was definitely worth the wait.

END

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Second Chances